splash waterfalls- ludacris

late arrival

hello self. my schedule change went thru today, and I got a late arrival, 5th period lit with lem, and 7th period ap gov with schelzo. i seriously can't believe i got all that... when the bitch secretaries at guidance told me it couldn't be done. i'm pretty (no, really) excited for this. i know some colleges will look at that late arrival and think, what a slacker.. NEXT. but i think if they looked at the courses i've taken in its entirety and how i did in those classes, they'd see i'm pretty damn dedicated. well... not that dedicated actually. my drive to succeed had a late arrival of its own. only in the last school year do i really feel that crunch of doing my beyond my best to get into the college i wanna go to.

enough college talk, its the same old shit. i'm hungry, i think kanye west is an asshole but i still like his music

hmm

i'm bored and i twitter too much

SEN10RS LOL

HOT DAMNNNNN today oh today. First day of senior year. I drove to school, definitely woke up MAD late. My dad walked in at 622 and was like, "Hey you have school today..." It took a second for everything to sink in, then I rushed like a fucking mad man. Showered and got dressed in 5 minutes. A sandwich was so kindly made by my dad, which I ate for my breakfast. I was out the door by 638, which was when i should have been near the school. I got there in 10 minutes, which was surprising cause I thought I was gonna be late what with the traffic and excess of cars. Traffic pattern at school was alright, and parking was good. There were 2 accidents that I knew of today, one before and one after school. So damn ridiculous, I am NOT driving to school ever. The rampancy of aggressive asshole teen drivers and general dicks on 15 is NOT worth losing driving privs over, just cause I wanna drive to school. I did my makeup at school lol, my hair was shit, and I was so stressed lol. I saw my boy Tay Waldronnnnn, what a honey. Just kidding, I was so ready to walk up to him and punch him in the face... Idk why I'm so aggressive lol. Hmm, breakdown of my first day:

1- AP Lit: Dominic, Meadhbh, and Kalvin are in the class, friend-wise. I'm gonna try to make new friends in the class, the people are alright.
2- Physics: Mariam's in the class, so thank god for that. Carly, Bo, Jimmy Long, and Grace the special ed kid are too.. Carly is annoying as fuck.. Grace talks too much but thats excusable, Bo is already becoming the teacher's pet lol.
4- Chem II: My fave class so far! Kristie, Dominic, Casey his girlfrann, Anand, Rebecca, Delante lol, and Alex Carroll. Renberg is fucking hilarious and really upbeat. I'm gonna try and get a good teacher rec from her
LUNCH: I have the first lunch of the day and its packeddd with people I know. Kristie, Evelyn, Robert, Connor, Cheang, this new girl kristie met, Kristen Healy, Dom & Casey, Rebecca.. I feel like I'm missing some people
6- AP Stats: Danielle, Keith, and Mary Zheng. Legit class, looks manageable enough, and the workload doesn't seem too bad. Hadkdjksig, however you spell/say her damn last name, is chill. Seems like a good teacher.

Tomorrow my classes are AP Lit, ART HISTORY!!!, AP Gov w/ Jernigan (fuck), and Finance with Matt Ntiros. Should be alright.. I've got lunch w/ Philo tomorrow so that should be ok. The only thing I'm really worried about is not finding anyone to chill with in the mornings since most everyone drives now, they get to school whenever they feel like it. I, on the otherhand, have to take the bus, and I have no clue when the bus is gonna get to school. I know I get home at 3 fucking o'clock when I take the bus home. Sucks so hard.. I need to cop rides bad haha.

Anyway.. senior year. I'm not trying to expect too much from it, like I did soph year. I'm just gonna do the work and get things over with. I'm def not gonna be dumb and stay afterschool for no reason, and I'm not gonna skip my clubs and shit anymore. Monday-Thurs afterschool is for homework, clubs, and whatever else school-wise I have to do. Friday & Saturday are gonna be the only days I go out and do shit. Work hard, play hard. No more dilly-dally shit, I need to lock down my senior year. My goals are summa cum laude, no finals, passing AP scores but I really don't give a shit either way, B or higher in all classes, sleep before midnight, and NO SLEEPING IN CLASS. I really want to do well this year, and after the failure of last year's study habits and test scores, I'm not letting myself slip into an apathetic stupor. Sadly, I signed up for the SAT in October. I said I wasn't gonna bother taking it again, but I need to send the scores to schools I'm actually gonna apply to, and I just thought, what the hell just take the damn test again. If nothing changes, then that's the way it is and I'm not gonna fret over it. The main schools I'm trying to get into are:

-Bard College
-Cal State Long Beach
-VCU
-maybe VT, GMU, and/or some other local school.

I'm really trying to be realistic with my college goals; I'm not gonna apply to a place where I know I have no chance of getting into. There's no point in wasting my money or time, just to see if I can get in or not. This year is so serious; I know some people are like fuck it SEN10R STATUS FUCK THE FRESHMENNN, but this is our last year to make an impression for colleges. Blah all this college talk makes me tired. I'll leave you with this.

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

i do the figure 8's so concisely

wow its 330 am and im still awake. seriously? yes. im chillin to the tribe, lights off, eyes burning. back to school in a week and i can't be more excited. i need to get out of the house and away from my rents, but we all know how that is. going to cali fri-sun next week, so i got that to look forward to. other than that, my summer's dead. went to dream on friday with david, kristie, evelyn, and her 2 friends. that was chill. then we went back to kristie a little past midnight and chilled in her sketch basement. i am not a fan of hookah, i can say that much. i'd rather smoke regular cigarettes cause at least i know how much i'm doing. the second hand smoke sucked. but david was a damn pro, like a dragon version of a jimmy guidici champ lol. anyway...


applying to colleges! well not really, but i'm really narrowing down my choices.
1. Bard College; annandale on hudson, ny
2. Wesleyan University; middletown, ct
3. UChicago and/or UWashington.. i havent decided yet if i wanna apply
4. Cal State Long Beach!
5. VCU

bard is my drea/. i think i've said that alot already but i really mean it this time. green acres, new people, new place. 5 hours away from rochester lol, so i can still visit my girl kduong. im just really ready to go to new places, no matter where i go to school. college is what you make it, right? so im ready to make it cooltastic. its late, fuck off.

anyway, every year, friends seem to weed themselves in and out of my life. kinda sucks. but its ok. good to know my forever friends now instead of later. i guess you could say a lot of this is my fault.. and it is. i wont deny that. but how much time will i spend trying to make something work that won't? not that much time, i'll tell you that, if there's not much give. i'm psyched about senior year and the typical shit that goes with it. football games, prom. new friends, old friends. court yarddd and pranks (as if). oh and toga time. its gonna suck to say goodbye to everyone, and i mean everyone. even the people i didn't like all the much or talk to; they made my year what it is. its gonna suck to not be 5 minutes from everyone i love. we'll all be going our separate ways... some staying here in VA, i hope to go to NY, david going off to GA if all works out for him. i guess this is the time to live it all up.

looking back now, i can't really gauge if what i've done will yield the results i want, or if it was worth all the shit i put up with. maybe it was. i think i learned something? but what i do know right now is that i'm hungry as fuck and im craving qdoba nachos

don't read this shit

i'm riding my bike. it's an old bike, a bike i got one christmas and could not ride until april when the weather finally turned with the earth. i'm wending my way along the backwater hick road i live on. it's funny how if i just turned my head, i'd be facing the highway which leads to the rest of civilization. the highway which connects me to everyone and everything else in this stupid small 'census-designated place'. anyway, this bike i'm riding is a little fucked up. the gears shift loudly, as if all the rednecks living on the road should hear me biking past. at times, there is no resistance and i stop frequently to check if the chain is still there. i don't have a helmet on, so if something should go wrong, i lose my head. cars pass by me, slower than the 40 mph speed limit designated for this country lane. i feel a white car slow down behind me; i can see this without turning my head. i'm hoping to the great lord above that its not some creepy pervert, the registered sex offender living right next to the opening of my community, following me with a mind to stuff me in his trunk and cut me up. after a couple seconds, the white car makes a turn onto an even sketchier and lonelier backwater road, where the asphalt turns to gravel in 3 blinks of an eye. the bike ride feels like the ultimate american summer moment. tall grass that looks like wheat tickle my toes while i ride on the tiny shoulder of the road. i'm passing tall trees and old houses, and i can really smell the summer. it's warm and sunny, but with the kind of light that's fading fast as school approaches its beginning the way the sun approaches the horizon. i'm getting bored. i'm going nowhere. i only bike to a place where i know i'll still have the strength to turn around and go back home. i enter a newly finished but seemingly empty community, houses with 1-2 acre plots and extra big lawns. tall trees, uncharacteristic for a new neighborhood, dot the lawns. an old asian man works at trying to remove some sort of rock or gnarled tree root from the front of his lawn. he does not notice me, and i like this feeling. i know that the end of this street turns into yet another gravelly piece of shit so i turn around quick and go home.

your body- pretty ricky

new blogggg

haven't blogged in a while.. sad. anyway, i've been driving more. well ish, last week i was out 5/7 days and took the car out. legit! this week i got grounded bleh. oh well. things have been going okay. finished half of my stats packet. saving up money to buy david's present. i already have something in mind, i just gotta get to the mall.

ahhhh i really wanna watch thisss:



it looks so damn cuteee (:

anyway, i heard invisible monsters might be made into a movie? starring jessica biel. idk how the format of the movie will work, considering the way the book is written, but i hope it'll be good, if it does come out as a movie.


hmm i dont really have a good structured thought system for this blog entry. i've been listening to old skool hiphop alot. lots of tribe, getting into de la soul and the roots. gotta get some B.I.G. shit soon. ehhh.

this sunday, david and his fam invited me to his bday dinner at maggiano's at tysons 2! i've never been there. i'm excited. im looking forward to the good food and good company. i like his rents and sis alot, they're mad nice people. i have to make him a card and get him my gift soon.

dude shit i think im getting fucking cellphone elbow. and blackberry thumb. fuck!

exhilarated!

i drove for the first time by myself on the 4th of july, which now looks to be horribly dangerous and slightly irresponsible. i don't like driving because i don't want to die but it feels good playing songs and having a friend tell you where to go when you're about to get lost. the long and short of my saturday/sunday was picked up kristie, went to evelyn, chilled, fireworks, thanh & pat met up at ev's, then we went to kristie's to chill on the roof, dumb fuckery ensued such as not sleeping until 6am but in turn getting to see the sunrise, and then i went home at 830. yeah i dont feel like dishing out the details. im hungry. i smell bacon!

check my new kicks

went to ny this weekend and shopped like a manie.

 from ae.

also picked up a pair of light grey shorts and a dark grey, asphalt like, sweater vest from jcrew, a blue pullover hoodie from h&m, and a pair of grey sweats from aerie. i <3>

in other news..... HARRY POTTER COMES OUT in 22 DAYS!!!!!!!! if im not here for july 15, i'll fucking punch a dead horse

the singular faces of me

photobooth whore yikes

13 days

of school remains! then the grueling task of hunting for colleges, how to get in, how to pay, what to do, and all that jazz begins. i kind of want to cop out and go to some shit-for-brains liberal arts school like bard or bennington because SATs/ACTs aren't required, i don't need an above 4.0 GPA to get into some better-than-thou state uni or private college, but i will have to be an excessive amount to come to school dressed for hipster success while not really learning anything structured. i have to take at least 2 different SAT subject tests in order to be ever considered to UCSB or UCSD, and i have to retake the SAT at least once or perhaps twice more. if all else fails, i should have GMU or VCU to fall back on.

i'm pretty terrified that i won't be able to get into a college of my choice because i don't have a 4.2 GPA, an above 2000 on the SAT, i haven't taken SAT II's or the ACT, i'm not a particularly outstanding student although i think i'd be able to get some solid teacher recommendations. my extracurriculars are rather lacking in variety and depth; i'm in 3 specific honor societies (science, english, and french), i do debate part-time, scholastic bowl but we always lose, but i'm gonna join the offish NHS next year and model UN. but honestly all i'm concerned about right now is having enough money my senior year to go on a summer roadtrip of sorts to cali. i'm foolish about my future because i used to believe i'd be a perfect student: perfect grades, perfect scores, perfect personality. but i'm so horribly flawed that i don't think any college would want me, except for NVCC. bummer.

alas its pretty nice out so i think i'll finish the chapter of harry potter book 5 i'm on and take a walk in my new newbie 578s

I LOVE THIS CEREAL!!!

i'm gettting really tired

i really want a softcover moleskine notebook


I'm getting exhausted. i want to cry. my spirits are tanking while my blood pressure is rising. i don't even know what i'm doing anymore or why i feel the way i feel. i'm tired of all the petty drama going around, and my seemingly endless patience. i don't know why i'm putting up with things the way i am. i'm getting scared that if i continue this... i'll put up with stupid bull shit when i'm older, when it comes to friendships and relationships. i want to be able to back my word up but i don't think i'll have the strength to.

there is something in my heart that is eating away at me.. but i have no idea what it is.

but i would rather party cuzzz

friday is just 2 days away!! gonna be a high of 80+, it'll be like the weather is blazeddddd up like it's 4/20. man o man, i love the warm weather. especially with kritty dewgong's lovely treat of essie's movers and shakers:

it looks hot and it goes on so well. no wonder everyone's acting like they know my name.

well i havent blogged in awhile.. nothin new. got this one d00d on my jockstrap like he knows me or something, shit. but i pretty much rejected that already but i feel sertaaa bad but yu know what it's just a HAIRFLIP. i been chattin up this one guy but its whatever cuz it's not gonna work anyways so i'm just chillin with my ladies. i love being single. i might bitch sometimes about, oh boo hoo and all that cal i want a boyfran etc, but really, i'm clean and free without being attached to anyone.

o i was on livejournal and i've found another college i'd like to visit.. UCSB.


i've got the SAT score for it, my grades far exceed their minimum, and well shit, it's kilo cali by the pound. the price is pretty hefty for a public uni, its about 28k, but hey its a good school. everything's up in the air right now though. i'm just excited to be a SENIOR 2010 in a few short weeks. only about 8 remaining until i am officially free from the chains of ap chem and junior year fuckery. i might go to prom this year but it depends on whether or not i can find the money for a decent, inexpensive sheet of fabric with which to clothe myself with. again its whatevsss

high school is barreling quickly by (like that verb choice? mixin up my diction, ya digG?) and i serta like it. i think of senior year as the early sunrise to the rest of my life as an "adult". i am the sun which shines for itself, i do not aim to warm anyone else. i can rise on my own, i set all alone, because i'll always be shining, and my name will be known
lol i'm dumb i kno i'm tired ok!

i have 2 dialectical journals to do, flyers to make for my class president campaign, and a chem quiz to study (fail?). o and a math test i'm pretty confident about but i'll probably fail. damnnnnnnnnn. fucking school work i swear to god i have the worst work habits EVER. i need to work on that but all i can think about is FRIDAYYY! SO YOU KNO WHAT? IT'S TITS

LICENSE'D!!!!!

HEYYYY



yayyyy!!!!! my rents said on saturday morning, theyll follow me in the bmw while i drive the truck and if i prove myself worthy to borrow the car, they'll let me use it for the day. wooooooooooo

birthday festivities

its the birthday cat, ushering in this post. evelyn called me at midnight to wish me a happy bday, then soon after getting off the phone, groggy as fuck, i celebrated by taking a shot of yac and chasing it with coke.



that is how all my cousins do it in the BAYY, so i gotta do like them. after that, i went straight to sleep. woke up to a million text messages. through out the day, i was constantly greeted, even by taylor w which made me lol. went to chik fila with ashley, evelyn, kristie, and bro bro to celebrate and it was super awesome. I carried this little gem around all day:



i get home finally and chill around. logged onto facebook with over 40 notifications, it was pretty ballin. its sorta sad that all these facebook comments wishing me a happy birthday make me smile lol. anyway, i take a nap, and wake up to my rents singing happy bday to me. they hand me a VS bag with underwear:



and another bag with an iHome dock and a wallet with 100 dollars in cashmunnaay in it. it was very nice of them!! then we go to chipotle to eat bday dinner. when i come home, im sitting in front of my computer, when my parents come in holding a cake and candle. they start singing again and i blow my candle out and make a wish.



it was most delicious but i refrained from eating nothing more than 2 bites. great birthday! so much love from everyone!!

thank you to everyone, i really do appreciate everything you do for me and everything you are to me.

hello post 70

i got the wallet back! it looks pretty new except for the purple BHS id card stain in the id holder. ehh, idk what to do with it now that i have it. maybe pawn it if possible, but i'll just let it sit in my backpack for a little bit. When he came over in history to return it, i said thanks, and he said "no problem!" as if he was doing me a favor. cool. then he started talking to me about some creepy chick stalking him because she's in love with his bff or something. whatevs, i just put my head down once he started talking.

thank god for jay larsen! his C+ on the chem quiz that nearly everyone failed is saving my ass cuz my teacher gave me the same version of the quiz, so i was just copying down the questions he got right.

um fast forward through the boringgg.........

DREAM SCHOOL:

located in the heart of claremont, cali. its a private liberal arts school just 30 miles from LA, holllla. good school, good crowd, good financial aid, good location. its pretty damn expensive, about 36K a year, and thats only tuition, not including room, board, etc. but the people they accept are scoring 2230's on the SAT, 32's on the ACT, and some of them are valedictorians/salutatorians. FML? a little. but im gonna work hard to possible be accepted, even though AP Chem is already dead to me. (hence, my need to cheat)

the taste of my future is bittersweet, along with this clementine

o hail no

i got watchmen today, it's proving to be an interesting read. beautiful weekend, hung out with some people. i've noticed that all i seem to do with my friends now is eat and gossip at the same time. its the simple pleasures that get to me

tomorrow's gonna be a nice day again, so i'm going to look for some weather-appropriate clothes

DONT FUCK WITH ME!

I have won the game. The wallet was just the tangible prize, but the ultimate prize cannot be seen or felt except under the circumstances of a victory. My victory.

It started yesterday during lunch, when K and A went up to Taylor, asking for the wallet back. He deflected, naturally, and said it was in his car. Ashley looked at him and said, "Okay, meet you at your car then." Fast-forward to the afternoon. We book it to his car, me, Ashley, Evelyn, Kristie, Kate, and Robert. We wait for about 20 minutes. Kate and Robert leave, and witness a drugbust in the lower lot. Anyway, after much waiting, the Taylors arrive. I wish I had created a fight playlist, because Mad by Ne-Yo and Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang are not appropriate for when tensions are high. Anyway, Ashley and Evelyn walk over to Taylor's car. I'm sitting in Evelyn's trunk with Kristie because I am scared as shit of Taylor. Who knows what that motherfucker would do or say?! Anyway, both Taylor's ignore Ashley and Evelyn, especially Waldron. He's looking down, watching his feet, basically fulfilling the purpose of a pussy. He doesn't acknowledge their presence until Ashley asks for the wallet. Oh and what do you know? HE DON'T GOT IT. He says, "Oh I left it at home...." Okay sure nigga, SURE. He begins to ask why I want it back. Ashley tells him that it's expensive and I just want it back. There's a tone in his voice like, 'Really? You want it back? But it's mine!!!' Anyway, Ashley just straight up tells him, Bring it tomorrow. I expect to see the wallet. He says okay. The entire time, his girlfriend is giving me the dirtiest stank-ass look I've ever had the pleasure to be seen/given. As Ashley and Evelyn are backing away from the Taylors, I can hear Taylor W giving lip like, Why does she have her friends do her dirty business for her? So I call out to them from where I'm sitting and I tell them straight up, "You gave her the bracelet, so I want the wallet." While mah giiirllz are over there making nice with the Taylors, I'm talking to Kristie, discussing the nasty-ass look on Tay D's face, loud enough so that I could be heard over Bad Touch. NOT EVEN SEX SONGS CAN SILENCE ME. Anyway, that was that, and we're making our way back down to school to go see the drugbust. Before I take more than 10 steps, Tay W calls me over and asks me why I can't just talk to him myself. And shit, I straight up tell him, "You scare me." He has a sort of offended look on his face, insisting he's a changed person and bullshit bullshit bullshit. WHATEVER. He tells me I can come up to him whenever about anything, and that I shouldn't be afraid. I say that I'll "keep that in mind for next time".

NOW ITS TOMORROW AKA THIS AFTERNOON

History class passes by without a second glance. For a moment, we make eye contact and share a mutual WTF with each other when some kid starts talking about random bullshit. Then when the bell rings, he books it out of the room so fast, in hopes that I won't "harass" him. FUCK THAT JANKNESSITY. Ashley comes with me up to the top lot to claim what is rightfully mine. He looks a bit confused and waves back at me. First thing out of my mouth is, "Can I have my wallet back?" He says, "I don't have it."...
"What do you mean you don't have it? You said you would bring it today, and today is here. Where is it?"
"I left it at home. I forgot. You know me, I don't carry a wallet around."
"That does not matter. You said you would bring it today."
"Why do you even want it back? You gave it to me as a gift."
"Well you gave that bracelet to me as a gift, but you decided to turn around a regift it to your new girl."
"Look, I understand, I see where you're coming from, but I just don't see it that way."
"What do you mean?! You regifted something you got for me. Who does that? It's CLASSLESS, TACTLESS, AND TRASHY."
"I don't know what you expected me to do! You were the one who returned the bracelet to me, so I don't see why I should have to return the wallet."
"Because I thought you'd just return it or pawn it. Anyway, things changed when you gave her the bracelet. So I want my wallet back."
"You know what, I don't know if I want to give it back..."
"What." I look at him with icy eyes, daring him to fuck with me. Go on, FUCK WITH ME.
"But you know what, if you really want it that bad, I'll give it back."
"Good, because I do really want it that bad. I'll be expecting it on Monday. I'm not trying to fight with you [SHIT YEAH I WAS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT GOTTA STAY CALM FOR JESUS], so please and thanks."
"Ok. Text me tonight."
"....What for?!"
"To remind me. I'm going to forget."
"I don't have your number anymore."
"....Well get it from someone else!!!!"
"Okay, sure, if I don't FORGET FIRST."

THE END. MOTHERFUCKER. YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE ME? DO IT! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU IN SUCH A WAY THAT I WILL NOT DEFEND MY OWN. I REFUSE TO BACK DOWN IF YOU GIVE ME A REASON TO KEEP GOING. I must say, I feel like he's actually afraid of me. Him and his girl. Go on, give me dirty looks again. Give me looks like you smelled something stanky. See where that gets you. If you got game, BRING IT TO THE TABLE AND CHALLENGE ME. You want to throw words around and you want to throw fists? OKAY DO IT. Try and hit me with your lax stick, Tay D, you only made JV Lax anyway. If he doesn't bring the wallet on Monday, it doesn't even matter anymore, because I do not care. Walk straight up to him Monday morning, and if he doesn't have it, all I have to say is, "Fine. Keep the wallet. It doesn't matter anymore, and it's not worth it. You're not worth it. So you can take that wallet and SHOVE IT UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PUSSY." Maybe I'll skip that last part. If Tay D was such a good girlfriend, she would have stood up to me while I was bitching at her boyfriend, or at least stood by him. What kind of girl deflects? Who wants that kind of girl? Oh right, the kind of boy who shares the same name and also has a vagina.

In any case, I'm ready to have a fucking gorgeous weekend. 70s saturday & sunday. Beautiful. My grades are pretty good too, so that's a plus. Anyway, BRING ON DA SPRING TIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!

i fucking love kyle xy

I once heard that you must risk getting burned if you want to find happiness. So I waited and waited to be passed the torch, but perhaps waiting does nothing but build helplessness and dependency. Maybe I have to find my own torch and set myself on fire. Ok maybe not that last part.

I don't think I want to go to med school anymore. I don't think that it's the path for me, to be honest. I get enough of my hospital fix from House and grey's, i don't know if I'd want to go through 8+ years of school just to be able to have sex in the on-call room. I'm kind of diggin a Communications major to be honest. It is a BS degree, but the internet is telling me that I can do quite a bit with a Comm degree. I like flexibility. I also like penis. I don't know if it's a good idea but hey, some people aren't cut out for cookie cutter greatness, ya digg?

Whenever people low blow me by bringing up taylor, like "at least i didn't date taylor!!", all i can do is laugh, because I did date that. I don't care if I somehow manage to stick taylor into a blogpost everytime, because it's my fucking blog!!!!!! Anyway, I can hardly believe that it really happened, you know. It's probably my mind's way of deflecting. LOL he was that bad.

UNGROUNDED IN T-MINUS TWO DAYS!!!!! So excited. Sunday is going to be really warm. It's gonna be a stupid weekend, at least I hope it'll be. I'm ready for a new haircut, a new wardrobe, a new ME! I'm going to make my own torch, drench it in gasoline, and SET SOME MOTHERFUCKERS ON FIRE!!!!!!

I've got a box of watercolors and special watercolor paper in my room, I think I might indulge in some of that. I must start attempting to release some creativity before I go crazy. I'm becoming increasingly more aggressive, angry, and stalkerish as time passes. I don't want to scare away all da boyz~

you suddenly complete me

the yeah yeah yeahs' new album, it's blitz! is so good. i've had it on repeat since it was leaked.

in other news, i got this ring:



so you can all kiss it. I mean the ring on my pointer finger. best vday present from my pop pop ever. haha

anyway... skyped with my ladies last night for a good 2+ hours. during the course of the skypeage, i realized that i become even more of a bitch while eating sweet potato chips. its probably all that vitamin A. at least it's sort of healthy. i'll begin working out when the weather stops being an asshole.

ah march. full of changes! spring is coming, haircuts, new leaves turning, etc etc. and you know what else the spring time brings? CLASS OFFICE CANDIDACIES!!! I'm gonna run of senior class pres of 2010, SO VOTE FOR ME BITCHES!! i'm gonna fuckin tear shit up if i don't win. I dont know why i want to win so badly, maybe because i've never really been more into winning something as i am into winning this. i just want to make sure spirit week doesn't suck ballsack, and making that senior speech is so tempting.

i'm bored and boring

):

i thought that by removing taylor from my life, i would be removing certain "worries" involving sketchy shit. guess not.

i hate drinking

I hate UVA, plain and simple. Me and Ashley visited it yesterday for this overnight engineering information weekend thing. Too many white people in northface denalis, sperry topsiders or uggs, and a preppy ass attitude.

I had a heart to heart with my mom on friday night, and now i am closer to getting completely over Taylor, for I just deleted his number out of my phone.

Oh and Fun Fact: I've had my contacts in for over 24 hours

ahhh once I stop being lazy as shit, I think I'll make some brownies. Food for the post-menstrual girl. I don't know how well I did compared to previous days, but I'm slowly restraining myself from basically stalking the Taylors. It's hard, Lord knows it, but I'm doing it. I just really cannot wrap my head around the fact that I AM STILL HUNG UP ON THIS. It's been three weeks or so, and I still cannot get over the fact that it's over. What happened, happened, good or bad, and now it's time to move on. Maybe it's because I have no new distraction. Not a rebound per se, but there's always been another guy that I'm tryna get big with (lol) after I say good bye to another. Ah I don't know. I let this whole thing get to my head and get bigger than anything ever has a right to. Naive, foolish, stupid: these are the words that describe me.

In other news! I got a 110% on a math quiz, and I'm pretty sure I aced the one I took today. Because of this, my mom is letting me do free pancake day next tuesday. I mean, I would have gone regardless, but now I can do it without having any secrets. It feels pretty good, I mean the truth does.

Speaking of which... what is truth? If everybody lies and if everybody is flawed, is there really an honest truth? Unbiased, no strings attached truth?

pipe dream

i saw T squared in the hall after school today, being all coupley and such, and I couldn't restrain myself from being loud and making myself heard. Its just something I have to do. I sometimes come to the point where I can't even stop myself, I don't know what's happening until I'm already doing it. I want them to know that I'm quite present, that I can see everything and that I have no problem with it; I'm countering their obnoxiousness with my own kind. Maybe I'm compensating for the heartbreak by being loud and belligerent. Or maybe I enjoy the attention. Or maybe I'm just a fuckin asshole. You know, whatever

I'm trying to figure out my pipe dream. Everyone's gotta have one

hormones

they are everywhere. i'm not down, but i'm not up. i'm just tired. sometimes i wonder if God even knows my name, if he even knows who i am. i am a shitty person. the lowest of the low. true, i haven't killed anyone, but i'm pretty damn close to killing people on the inside. yesterday my mom started screaming at me, saying i was the reason why she was in so much physical and emotional pain, that i was the cause of all of her stress, etc. that just made me want to leave the house even faster. people are too good to me. if i was burning at the stake and given the gun, would i choose to put myself out of my own misery, or shoot the ones holding the torches? (House reference haha)

okay i'm done.

lucky

I'm listening to that song by jason mraz and colbie calliat, and it makes me so happy.

this year really has shown me who are my friends, who i can count and depend and lean on, who's got my back, and it really is amazing. i have a newfound love in god and jesus and higher powers. if there wasn't something bigger than this world, then would everything really be this beautiful amidst all the bull shit? no. i'm never really alone, and i'm never lonely. thank you for being my friends, for being the loves of my life. you are all my valentines. life is amazing right now and i really like where i'm at right now. i'm so blessed for the people i have in my life. i have all your backs, you don't even have to think twice about it.

on a lighter note...

20 days left of grounding! i hope... i'm really trying to stay awake in school, do my homework, do my best, but its so hard. i havent gotten full credit on my math homework for the past couple assignments. i need to work on that. i don't know why i keep fluctuating, i just keep losing interest periodically, and now i'm pretty much just aiming for GMU or VCU doesn't help my motivation. I have a 3.9 GPA, and I really have no interest in bringing that up to higher than a 4. i'm not looking to go to the Ivy Leagues, I just want an education.

well that wasn't so light.

happy valetine's day! i miss having a crush and wishing someone would ask me to be their valentine. actually... that's never happened to me. i guess what i miss is that feeling of liking someone secretly and wondering if they like you too; hoping you're making the right moves and not being a creep haha. anyway...

happy valentine's day!

get em hash

So a little bird told me that dear old ex-boyfriend gave the bracelet to his new girl. The bracelet with all my body oil, sweat, grease, epithelial cells, and basically ME all over it. How classy. I'm demanding for my wallet back. I didn't care back then, when I thought he'd just return it, or at the very least, let it sit at the bottom of the drawer, but to GIVE IT TO HIS NEW GIRL!! Shit. And she has no idea, at least, I'm pretty damn sure she has no idea. That's just beyond trashy. Whatever, I'm going to get it back from him tomorrow, even if I end up missing my bus and all kinds of foolishness. To re-gift something that you supposedly got for me is really low. "Happy Valentine's Day babe, here's a bracelet I gave to my ex. You can have it now!" Some people who have classes with his new girl said they'd make a comment about it, like 'Oh that bracelet looks familiar...' Haha. Oh hunnay, the things he's telling you aren't anything new.



OH! Exciting! I finally got to take a hoe out to Burger King today! Spent 10 damn dollars on a classy as fuck meal at the BK Lounge. Ashley best have enjoyed it. These past couple of days have just been really great, just chillin with the franss, riding in their cars, being loud and belligerent, being a damn t e e n a g e r. It feels good.

Oh Valentine's day! I'm making cupcakes tonight. Special individual cupcakes for all of my lovers. Ah love. It's a great feeling, and it doesn't have to be from a special someone. Because you know what? All my friends are special someones. Speaking of special someone, Darbus is definitely attempting to hook me up with his friend Dominic. Thanks dude, thanks.

In Latin today, I was just talking with Vanessa about our summer and college plans. How we want to hang the fuck out, go on road trips, party it up, and live up these last 2 summers of our high school lives. Can you believe it, we're graduating in a year and 4 months' time. That's 16 months. 16 months to cry, laugh, yell, smile, and basically be retarded with your high school friends. Face it, you're not going to be friends with everyone after school, so enjoy the time you have with these people now.

Well, in the not so distant future, I have Georgetown plans to look forward to! Me, Ashley, Evelyn, Kristie, and hopefully Jenny, are going to Georgetown for our birthdays. Lunch, walk around, take the metro, and be classy as fuck. I hope that after that, my rents will let me go out more often with friends, since now they can drive me and janks. I want to go to Pentagon City, Crystal City, and DC in general.

I'm getting boring. Sorry :\

girl what you drinkin?

TODAY WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY, PERFECT SHORTS/SKIRT WEATHER AND GUESS WHAT?!?! I GOT MY FUCKING PERIOD! Who are my ovaries tryna get big with? Shit.

I'm really enjoying class with T. Sitting right across from him in class gives me the perfect opportunity to just watch him and be a goddamn creep. I definitely ran into both Taylors in the stairwell today but I was totally friendly; shit i even said hi! They just kind of stumbled and I think one of them said "oh shit". This whole thing has also made me want to destroy my high school reputation. ALL THESE BITCHES CAN KISS MY ASS TIL THEIR LIPS BLEED!

Only 3 weeks and 2 days until I am ungrounded (hopefully)!! Oh and the fact that my rents finally are letting me get rides from student drivers is ballin. I love being in the car, blastin that hoodrat shit with the windows down, being a TEENAGER. It feels good. It's what I've always looked forward to, as sad as that sounds :\

Oh damn, V-Day on Saturday. Another V-DAY ALONE. And grounded. What the tits. SIKE I don't give a shit, the single life is where it is at, NIGGA. Do what you want, no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to answer or explain shit to. YEAAAH

Things are lookin up, they really are. I just hope it keeps up. I'm just ready for the summer time; out and about, poolin around, ray-bans, dark tans, rainbow flipflops, and wack ass booty shorts is where that shit is AT. oh so excited. then senior year: hello second semester! I think i might just go to GMU or VCU, maybe UVA if I like it. I'm definitely staying in-state and saving the prestigious shit for grad school; wait for me JHU, for you are the only one who has my heart.

ANYWAY It's time for me to blame it on the alcohol aka homework

WACK ASS SHIT

Gave that dirty ass bastard back his bracelet, along with a goodbye letter. And you know what he had the nerve to do? Text me, saying that he meant everything he said, that he just wants me to know that. So then I asked him how that could be true, when he has a new girl within a week, and he RESPONDS BACK WITH: "I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER." NIGGA?! Don't think you can play that game with me, the "make my ex jealous" game, because I don't want your fake, dirty ass ANYWAY. she can have all of you, all your bipolar, smoke-filled, cologne soaked, angry self. FUCK YOU IN THE ASSHOLE. YOUR BRACELET WAS UGLY ANYWAY, I ONLY WORE IT BECAUSE YOU GAVE IT TO ME.

Anyway! 29 Wack ass days left until I'm ungrounded (I hope). I need all A's on my interim in order to be off grounding. I'M GONNA FUCKIN DO IT!

In other news... I'm really burnin for some T & Co. swag. There's this signature 1837 T&Co. ring in 18K gold, $450. There's a ring in the same style but in sterling silver for $100, but I hate silver ):



I should be getting about 80 dollars from my tax return, whenever my dad gets around to showing me on how to file it. I now regret that I didn't pawn the damn bracelet, 30 dollars is better than nothing. But oh well, moral value should pay off in the end... at least, it fucking better! I was trying to be a good , loving person, but shit, if i don't even get inner peace or some wack ass nonsense from it, I'LL STAB HIM IN THE NECK. lol no i won't but anyway.

I can't wait until spring! Shorts, shirts, no jackets, cute shoes, cute BOYS~

New Day

T asked TD out last night, because facebook told me and my eyes screamed it when I saw them together. Earlier, I was really hurt, depressed, angry, etc etc, but now I just see it as something to grow from. I could take it one of two ways: become a psycho bitch and be angry and miserable all the time; or I could see it as a learning experience, if you will. Sure, she's probably a rebound girl. Sure, she's probably fallen for the same silly foolishness I bought into. But I am not her and she is not me. I WILL BE STRONGER THAN WHAT PEOPLE SEE ME AS!! No more anger! No more disappointment! No more being hurt and no more hurtful words! What's done is done and that is all that I can say. Goodbye yesterday, Hello RIGHT NOW.

I must say, I'm doing a fantastic job of staying awake in school. After getting trashed on by my rents last night, which I totally expected and deserved but just wasn't ready for, I knew what I had to keep doing. I'm not going to let a midyear failure bring me down for the rest of the year, or really, the rest of my life. Winter is full of bad mistakes. Winter is my growing month. My heart is breaking because of him, and because of my grades, and because of the way I'm letting my life turn out. THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO BECOME! Therefore, I will BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE!

EVERYDAY IS A NEW DAY TO DO SOMETHING GREAT. EVERY MINUTE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW AND LEARN AND LOVE. Don't take advantage of the time you are given! The best gift anybody could ever have is the gift of LIFE. I don't mean existing, i mean LIFE. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS LIFE HAS TO OFFER, for without love, there would be no happiness. Take the good things, as well as the bad. Do not regret too much, and do not dwell too long, for the time spent on such trivial worries could be better spent on LIVING!

TD is definitely about to hop on T's dick. And facebook is doing a good job of confirming suspicions: "TD has the good kind of butterflies =]]]". Mm, you know T has probably been telling TD all sorts of sweet nothings because that's what he's good at. After serious yelling and fighting and foolishness, I texted him last night saying that I just wanted us to be civil with no more fighting or yelling or anything. He said okay and that was that. Class wasn't bad at all. It was just like the beginning of the year when I didn't know him/didn't know he even existed, as horrible as that sounds. Before 4th period, T and TD were chillin around in the hallway that TD and I both have classes in. A mutual friend of TD and I said that after T left, he asked TD if she was gonna hop on that, and she said "no... I'm gonna wait" or something to that extent. Lol, you say that now but you're going to be swayed into fucking him in a matter of weeks. But ever since I was pretty much coerced by my own self into cutting ties completely, it's made dealing with this a little easier. Except for the fact it's as if T is flaunting his new girl in my face, or making it really goddamn obvious that he's going to ignore me but make his presence known. But he was really quiet in History. He always has been, for the most part. It's weird because I know he's not like that in his other classes. I guiltily admit that he looked daaaaamn fine today, in his sweet get up. The way he dresses and carries himself really gets to me. It's so attractive, but also so dangerous. I hope this doesn't become another SW incident where I was stuck for about 6 months hardcore, and a couple months after that until things ended with Alex and T showed up. Oh man oh man. WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

STORY TIME

Have I got one for you. Back story: School was awkward, he tried to kiss me on Thursday, ended up being all sweet on Friday, but we were both confused as to where we stood. I asked him to call me before 7pm or after 9pm, CALL NOT TEXT, so we could talk. He said, yes yes i will, i love you, etc etc bull shit. I then go over to E's house and KD was there too. E told me about something sketchy that happened that implied he may have had a girl on the side, or was at least doing something suspicious with her. I never knew of T hanging out with a female T, just a male T. (They all share the same name haha). Anyway, KD says she's seen my T hanging out with a female T, a TD to be exact. SKETCHY. Now here is where it begins.

Start: Saturday Jan 31, 2009- 12:24 AM

T- Hey, sorry it took me so long. I was at the movies with beau, jon, and drewww!
A- Cool man.
T- What?
T- Is something wrong
A- Yes.
**CALLS ME TWICE; I DON'T PICK UP TO GIVE HIM A TASTE OF HIS OWN GODDAMN MEDICINE**
T- I know your right their beside your phone
T- What the hell Angi, I didn't do anything?
A- You're only calling me now that you know something is wrong.
A- Thats the thing, you didn't do anything.
T- I'm sorry. Its just hard to talk
T- And your not a perfect little angel either so don't play that card with me
A- If you miss me and care for me, why don't you ever call me. Text does nothing
A- Who said I was. But I've been trying harder to contact you and you pull the text crap on me
T- What the hell, I'm sorry and I do fucking care about you. I love you, and I'm sorry I'm wait WHAT? Fine then I won't fucking text you at all is that what you want? Okayyy
A- How about you call me instead, just to talk. Why do we only talk when there are problems
T- Texting is better then nothing and I have talking on the phone. I love talking to you but I'd rather do it in person. Ughh wtf I HATE FUCKING FIGHTING GODDAMMIT IM SORRY OKAY IM FUCKING SORRY
A- I'm tired of sorry. Its all I ever hear
T- Well you know what I'm tired of. You being embarrassed of our relationship from the beginning because you were scared of what your friends would think you wouldn't stand up for yourself because your a fucking follower who only goes along with everyone else. You told me in the beginning you didn't want to "act" like we were in a relationship because of what your friends would think but if YOU really cared about me that wouldn't matter
A- What is this follower business? When my friends started giving me crap, I defended you. I tired my hardest to have them accept you and like you, now matter what they heard
T- Oh yeah, because I'm a "bad" kid, right? They DONT FUCKING KNOW ME
A- I don't even know you
T- Whatever
T- I can't take this shit, I'm out.
T- What? I told you my life story basically how could you even say that
A- Not that. Everything else about you. I don't know much
T- I can't believe you just said that... Seriously. I guess all that time we spent together was a waste of time right? Or maybe you weren't listening because I learned a lot about you. And you know a lot about me
A- Tell me all that you know about me. Not trying to be malicious but I just want to know what you know
T- Well I know that your very smart, care a lot about school your favorite color is gold, when you grow up you want to be a doctor your birthday is march 24 you listen to weird but good music? You love the shins you don't play any sports you love jordan shoes [[TOTAL LIE JORDANS BLOW]] and style you told me your favorite food? But I forgot
T- Your asian and filipino you love having fun but you know when to be serious.
T- You don't have your license, you want to get it before your birthday
T- You love candles and love painting your nails
T- You procrastinate with work but you always manage to finish
T- You spend about 75% of your time in your computer room
T- You take naps after school and stay up mostly all night doing work
T- Your favorite subject is science
T- You hate math
T- You said you wanted to go to UVA? I think
T- Your 16 years old
T- Is that good enough, because I can keep going on.
A- Well keep going on
T- Okay you've lived in the neighborhood that you live in since you were in 6th grade I think, you used to live in fairfax if I do remember
T- Your real name is bronte your full name is angela I think? or something like that
T- You have no pets, you don't want any children when your older because you hate them
T- The only reason you joined chorus or any activity when you were in middle school was so you could go on the trips
T- You hate singing
T- You want me to keep going on
A- Go for it
T- You hate snakes apparently (well mine at least)
T- You haven't had a relationship that has lasted more then a month except me. [[LIE]] and let's not forget to add in that we love eachother
T- I know a lot about you, why do you act like I don't
T- And I bet your surprised I know so much...
A- All these things could be found on an about me. I feel like nothing you said shows that you really know who i am on the inside. You could be describing an entirely different person and it would still fit the bill
T- Wtf are you serious?
T- Okay smart ass who am I then? You know what I'm done. Your so conceided
T- Unless you have a goddamn twin its not the same. You have to find something wrong with everything. If its going good, its not good enough for you.
A- Think about it. Do you know anything more than what I have explicitly told you? That's the thing, I don't know anything about you. I'm sad to say it
T- You don't even know the things about me that I told you lol what was I thinking you don't love me
A- We barely talked. The only things I know about you are the things you did. Its really disappointing but all i seem to know is that you could be something amazing but you're ready to throw down the towel.

End: Saturday Jan 31, 2009 1:22 AM

A minute later, he calls me. He starts to raise his voice, so I do the same, so he'll listen to me. He then yells at me to Shut the fuck up, so I reply with a, Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Yelling yelling, then he calms down once he realizes that yelling isn't accomplishing anything. He tries to pin some shit on me, how he keeps trying to get me out of the house so we can be together. I tell him that I'm not about to sneak out or disrespect my parents for anybody. Blah blah he's losing the fight. Then I tell him how he put me on hold and he would never make an effort to really call me, just text whenever it was convenient. He couldn't really say anything to that. A couple minutes pass, and finally he says "You're right. You're right about everything. I did ignore you and take advantage of you." He was trying to sweet talk me again. He apologized for what he said earlier, that it was disrespectful and rude and that I didn't deserve it. He said I didn't deserve this and that he was being a dick. He asked where we stood, and I said that we were not on the same level and we weren't really ever going to be. I'm disappointed that I never made it clear that we were completely over. That there was no chance of anything at this point. After awhile, he said he wasn't feeling well and he asked me to call him in the morning and that he would pick up the phone. I said no, why don't YOU call ME when you want to talk. He said okay. He sounded very sad and beat down. A couple times early on, he sounded like he was crying. Sniffling at the very least. Anyway that was that. He said he would never text me again. He said he didn't mean it in a bad way, he just wouldn't use text message anymore. We hung up. I never asked him about TD. I decided to wait, to talk to some people first, see if they knew anything.

Texted J if he knew of T hanging out with any female T's. He says no. I decide to tackle that later. Anyway, I get home at 8AM and conk out until 1PM. I'm asleep on and off, until 2:25PM when Taylor calls. I pick up. No answer. Hang up. Whatever. Texting people. 2 friends who work at panera say they saw T at panera getting buddy buddy with some fake blonde. He was sitting on her lap and he looked like he just woke up. Suspicious much. I come to the conclusion later, way later, that it wasn't his sister since J said T's sister, Kristen, had a sleepover herself and hung out with her friends the whole day. Couple hours pass. T calls again. No answer. Hang up. Then finally, D and Ash are over and I'm busy with pasta and my phone rings. Ash picks up and tells T i'm doing something but I'll be done in a second. Anyway when I finish, I call him back. T's friend, Beau, picks up and says they just came back from the gym and that he was gonna get Taylor. I wait, and someone answers. It's still Beau and he kind of talks to me as if I'm beneath him. Finally I get to talk to T. He's talking to me like I'm his bitch. He had an asshole tone. He said he talked to J last night, (J and Drew slept over) and I waited for him to follow up with something but he didn't. He then says, "Personal question... Would it be gay if me and Beau went tanning?" That was confusing. Anyway he says he's got to do something and that he'd call me back in 2 minutes. LIE. Whatever. More time passes. He texts me later, saying "Call me when you're not with your friends." Even though D and Ash are still here, I call him. He sounds surprised. I can hear him talking to Beau, and I say, are you with your friends? He says yes, so I just say, well call me back whenever you're free. I never expected him to do anything so that was the last time I talked to him. J called me tonight and asked if I had talked to T yet. I say that he never called me back and that it was whatever. J sighs. He's caught between the two of us. TD comes up. Apparently they're both at Beau's party together. Anywho, I ask him how he feels about TD and T. He says that T told him that they were just friends, but honestly, he thinks they're boning in the butt. Whatever. I get on facebook after getting off the phone with him. I decide to contact her via fb. This is the conversation:



TD
Today at 10:18pm
heyy sorry but my fb chat it retarded. what did u wanna ask?

Me
Today at 10:19pm
Are you with taylor waldron? If you are, I won;t be mad at you. I just want to know if you're involved with him.

TD
Today at 10:20pm
no wer not "with" each other. but yeah wer talking nd hanging out.

TD
Today at 10:25pm
y?

Me
Today at 10:27pm
Because I heard some rumors and I just wanted to find out what was really up.

TD
Today at 10:29pm
rumors?? what r u talking about? lik nothing bad is happening so idk y there would b rumors. who said what?

Me
Today at 10:31pm
I'm not going to mention names but I just heard some ambiguous stuff going around that you guys may have been more than friends while I was still dating with him

Me
Today at 10:32pm
I'm really not going to be mad at you if it was true, i just want to know

TD
Today at 10:34pm
honestly we werent. lik wer friends. so he came to me when u both broke up nd i talked him through some stuff. i mean nothing happened when u both wer dating, we didnt kiss or nything if thats what ur thinking. taylor was honest nd loyal to you, he really was. nd i would never do that with someone if i knew they had a gf.

Me
Today at 10:35pm
When did he tell you we broke up?

TD
Today at 10:36pm
the night it happened.

Me
Today at 10:36pm
Like when exactly?

TD
Today at 10:38pm
umm idk lik last weekend or sumthing. i dnt remember we talked on the phone. y whats wrong?

Me
Today at 10:39pm
We were on a "break" since last week and I basically broke up with him this past friday night.

TD
Today at 10:41pm
o well i didnt kno that. nd idk if he did or not. he didnt tell me...the only thing he said bout friday night is that you both talked nd it didnt end well or sumthing.

Me
Today at 10:44pm
Okay thanks for being honest

TD
Today at 10:46pm
yeah so hold on u guys were dating as of last week?

Me
Today at 10:48pm
Pretty much, we were on a "break" but technically still "dating"

TD
Today at 10:48pm
but did he kno that? cuz what he told me was that you all broke up.

Me
Today at 10:53pm
Yes he knew, we were in the gray area but we weren't done yet. I tried to put us on a break for a little bit, and he didn't want to so we weren't, if you get what I'm saying. Then he wanted to go on break this past Tuesday, so I said fine, but he still tried to act as if we were still together and wanted to do "couple-y" things.

TD
Today at 10:55pm
o. well did you guys do "couple-y" things??

Me
Today at 10:56pm
We still like, kissed and whatever. I couldn't get out since I was, and still am, grounded. I don't know what he told you exactly but we were still "together" until friday night.

TD
Today at 10:59pm
hold on, srry im jus trying to get everything straight. but what do u mean by kissed and "whatever"?? what do u mean by whatever? did u all makeout nd more?

Me
Today at 11:02pm
We acted like a couple

TD
Today at 11:03pm
o okay.

Me
Today at 11:13pm
Yeah I don't what he told you exactly about what happened but that's the straight up truth. Thanks for talking to me, I really do appreciate this


Long story short, I think she was starting to question the things he told her. I'm really not mad at her at all. She was being played. He never told me that he was hanging out with her at any point. I'm really fighting back the urge to call him or text him. I swear I'm a maso, I love to keep in contact with people who hurt me. Anyway, what's done is done. I am never speaking to him again. I'm going to pawn his bracelet, try to make some money to compensate for the wallet I got him. Thing is, I'm not even really mad. Pissed, but not mad. Before I was thinking of ways to get back at him, things to do and say that wouldn't be so bad that I'd get arrested, but enough that he'd be embarrassed. But now, I'm really over it. I think it was because there wasn't anything substantial there, just physical nonsense. Class with him will be fun. Like I'm really looking forward to it. If my female history teacher, TCP, asks me about what's happening, I'll just tell her straight up that he played me like a fool. I am not stupid, but I'm not ridiculous. I'm not going to get angry in class and I'm NOT going to make a scene at school. Maybe after school in the parking lot, but I don't think it'll happen. First of all, I think people would stop me first, and secondly, it doesn't matter all that much to me. I should be angry that he had a girl on the side that I had no idea about. I should be angry that everything he said were lies. I should be angry that I'm $100 poorer because of him. But I'm not. The best, and worst, way to learn a lesson is by living, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Well... everyday is a new day. If I see him, I don't know what I'll do, or what I'll say. I don't know if I'll even bother. I guess it depends on how I feel when I see him. Angry, sad, betrayed, hurt, confused, malicious. The pain of being hurt by somebody you really and genuinely loved and cared for is somewhere off in the far distance. I can feel it but barely. I hope this doesn't make me crazy.

Well... I'm gonna call Taylor in a little bit, but right now, we're officially on a break. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work but I guess I'll find out. Jon walked to Taylor's house in the snow and ice and freezing cold just to talk and comfort him; I was on the phone with him while he was making his 20 minute journey. So... I don't know. I am not really accepting the fact that the nothing is certain right now, and I'm really not accepting the fact that I don't know if I will go back to him. I'd love to: who wants things to change if they're okay right now? But that's the thing, something better could be waiting if you took a risk and gave change a chance. (Barf at that poetic sentiment). So yeah. I'm just kind of sad and disappointed and I'm just being realistic because relying too much on your dreams for optimism will just let you down in the end.

I played sudoku for 2 hours today. I'm really tired after being on the phone with Jon for 3 hours last night, first talking about Taylor, then Rebecca, then whatever nonsense, serious or not, we could come up with. He's a good guy. Change doesn't happen overnight and I am slowly trying to accept that.

Reading this:


for English class. It's really good.

Hmm... I need a good cry. Bring on the Grey's mothafuckaaaa

BREAK

he just put us on break over text haha. UPDATES LATER

GREY AREA

OK FIRST, GOSSIPS:

Jon is definitely definitely definitely diggin on Rebecca. oh my god. hahahaha. i can't get over how wrong it is. they are polar opposites and he would crush her. he's always doing some stupid shit and he's always out. i shall update the world when i find out more.

OK NOW, SERIOUS:

I still want to break up with him. He makes me happy but only when i see him. otherwise, i'm worrying my mothafuckin ass off. I just do not trust him. I mean I don't think he'll go out and have a night of mayhem and get boozed and blazed, because I'm sure he'd tell me out of guilt. But his priorities are everywhere and he's hardly ever home. We barely talk because he's always out at night. I HATE WAITING. I HATE WORRYING. I'm at an impasse. What do I do? Do I stay, urge for change, hope that it'll happen, and probably just be disappointed later? Or do I leave right now? Or do I leave later...

It hurts thinking about it. Like this whole thing requires a level of maturity i don't have/don't want to have right now. WHATEVER I"M GETTING KICKED OFF THE COMP RIGHT NOW

march 24

WANT ITTTTT

i'm a bit of a sadist

let's see....

i tried to take a break from? taylor last night. after i got into some trouble with my mom after Taylor and Jon Shin left my house, I had a talk with different people and realized that things can't continue the way they are going right now. My grades are in the shitter, my relationship with friends isn't how I'd like it to be, and all I can think about is taylor. NOT GOOD. Not saying that he isn't trying to make a change for the better, but he is far from where he'd like to be, whether or not he wants to admit it. So last night when he called, I first started off with "Please don't freak out, please don't be mad, I'm not breaking up with you." Well that didn't work out so well. We talked for about 40 minutes and it was just a back and forth of nonsense. I'm not really sure what I was trying to accomplish because god knows I didn't want to hurt him. After awhile, he said, "I'm going to bed" and hung up on me, which really really hurt. But I composed myself enough to call up Ashley. During that time, taylor sent me a couple texts that I didn;t even know about until he called me up. We talked and I told him that I really can't see him outside of school for awhile because 1. GROUNDED, 2. my mom really does not approve and it's hard to convince her that I'm not lying, and 3. GRADES SUCK BALLSACKS. I don't really know what got accomplished last night other than he is okay with the fact that we can't see each other outside of school until I get my license and gain more trust from my parents, and I made him cry. OOPS. Well I cried too so...

In a way, I feel like being with him holds me back. More my fault than his, but still. I don't want to be one of those girls who gets married right out of high school, and attends a nearby college just to be with their boyfriend. Yuckity yuck. He scared me with "I'll still love you in 5 months... I don't know if you will feel the same but I hope so." His need for stability and permanence is something that I don't know if I'll be able to guarantee. I'm flighty as fuck, it's a wonder we're still together. That's one of the things he was worried about, that during our "break", I'd find another guy. Well for the record, we're not on a break of any sort, we're still "exclusive" and we're still together. I was supposed to call him earlier, but I got stuck playing Pandemic 2. I don't know what will happen in 5 months, or where I'll be. I hope I'm still with him, but shit happens. Nothing is solid and nothing is forever, which is scary as fuck. But I wasn't lying when I said I'd love him forever, because you never really forget about your first love. I avoid saying things that will bind me, such as I'm never going to leave you and We'll be together forever. Because who knows the future? Nobody.

On a lighter note, I failed both my AP Chem midterms. Really horribly too. I just hope she curves them, and I hope I don't have a D+ for the quarter in lecture. I only have 2 midterms left: Latin and History. Easy as balls... I hope.

I don't know when I'll get my license. I think I'm doing a lot better with backing up and parking, but my parents do not agree. I really just want it by my birthday so I can drive on over to the movie theater to watch my first R movie LEGALLY. How exciting.

Sorry this post was so horribly boring. Life is kind of boring right now, but I will make the most of it!

just gettin his text on

last night, i webcammed with darbus and jenny. we started talking about dicks, and i text taylor, bored, saying that we were still on the cam and talking about penises. he texts back with these gems:

"Haha wait until you feel my penis!!! :-D you'll just love it!"
then i say something, i forget what. then...
"Well me and you are going to be creative when we have sex! Am I right? lol I love you baby!!!!!"

oh. my. god. i asked him if he had experience in the subject matter, and he answered with:
"No, but that's what's going to make it amazing baby! :-)" (i still don't think he's a virgin... but assumptions make an ass out of u and me)

TAYLOR?! DO YOU NOT THINK BEFORE YOU TEXT?!?! WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?!?!
he brings up sex and marriage more often now and its like, my god man, we're 16 and 17. lost in puppy love, straight up.

i'm gonna have lunch with him tomorrow at panera, just me and him. then after a bit, kalvin shall arrive and i'll buy him lunch for his birthday. should be interesting and fun. chill day. i should start studying for midterms. and i should also clear out my inbox now.

he's gotta meet me some time if i'm gonna be his son-in-law

let me begin my saturday with lies. that's what they always consist of anyway. at around 3, i go over to ashleigh's and shortly after, darbus showed up. we sit around for 2 hours, waiting for taylor to get his ass over. well unsurprisingly, he's at the gym, so we go over to his house to meet up with him. his dad lets us in. he briefly forgets who i was. then he asks me how california was. it was just kind of surprising that taylor told his parents where i went over winter break. anyway anyway anyway, there are a gaggle of girls, his sister, kristen, and her friends, just walking around the house in dresses. it's kristen's 14th birthday party and there are to be like, 50+ people over in the house. taylor is walking around without a shirt on while several budding teenage girls still in middle school are walking about. you know they were checking him out. you fuckin know it. uh... we three kings make our way up to his room. he's still getting dressed, my god he takes a century. it's past 5pm now. it took us 2 fucking hours to get out and finally do something. we get into taylor's car and we go to eat at some pizza place. no wonder the fucker never eats lunch when i'm around, he's a messy ass eater. um um um... by 6 30, we bounce out, go to taylor's house to get darb's car and we go to ashleigh's house. we watch American History X... for the most part. then ashleigh puts in another movie that nobody watches. at 9 45, my dad picks me up. the entire time, my parents believed i was studying. oh and then we stopped, had dinner, and watched a movie. i think it was implied that taylor was over since my mom figured out that darbus was there too. it was a good night. we didn't do much of anything but i think that that's what made it so great. i almost fell asleep in taylor's arms because i was so goddamn tired. SO CUTE OH MY GOD!!! haha fuck that shit!

i don't know if that D+ i had in lecture will get bumped up to at least a C. i can only hope. i already feel like shit over the C i'll have in math and the B's i'm pulling in my bullshit classes. i've never been in trouble over my grades.

and well, here's a picture from last night.



me: "oh my god i'm like doing normal teenager things like going out with friends in their cars and such!!"
taylor: "who the hell is this crazy bitch swear to god..."

dinner's gonna be cold tonight, ASSHOLE!

so even though i pretty much just failed my math midterm, i say FUCK IT because i saw my boy smile for the first time in a week today. it made me feel so good. i had to run in my class to drop my stuff off and then i ran back to him and gave him the biggest hug ever and i don't know, it was just great!! i was walking to class, all spaced out because i just failed my fucking midterm, and he says to me "wow you just gonna walk past me like that, like you don't even know me?!" and i was like "oh SHIT!!!" and we hug and the thought of my failure is gone, if even jsut in that moment. whatever man, fuck it!! yesterday and the day before, he was just apologizing for acting so weird and stuff he really shouldn't have to apologize for, and i quote, "i'm sorry i've been acting weird. i don't know how you put up with me but i'm really glad you do." i was like shit boy, i love you!!
i dont know how long our love will last, hopefully a long time, but we're still in school and we're still young. i know that nothing is really set in stone and nothing is forever, but i want to get to know him and i want him to get to know me. i just want to live in the moment right now. who knows where i'll be and who i'll be with in 5 years. but right now, i just want to be right here, with him.

well i watched eternal sunshine of a spotless mind and pineapple express just now. downloading garden state. kate and evelyn are coming over in a couple hours. tomorrow i'm gonna cheel with ashleigh and darbus (hopefully) tomorrow. we've been wanting to dub-date for awhile now so hopefully tomorrow it'll go down.

uhh.... SENT AND RECEIVED OVER 8000 TEXTS LAST MONTH!!! WEAK SAUCE! I'm gonna have a couple C's and possibly a D+ on my report card. KILL ME. i don't know how to tell my parents. idk if they'll understand that 2nd quarter is just... really really hard. ugh i was such a slacker. but i'm changing! its never too late to change, if even for yourself.

uhhhhh..... sucks i'm on the rag now. it's like a furious battle.

if i fall into the drink, i will say your name before i sink

this week has been so rough for everyone. not just including the passing of alyssa beach, but everyone's relationship problems with people and the conflict going on in the middle east and just everything. i don't know alyssa and i never had the pleasure of meeting her, but i was talking to evelyn about it, and i just started crying. it's so tragic, not just for her, but for everyone she was connected with. i think it's worse for her family and friends than it is for her because they're the ones who have to deal with her absence. at least she can prepare for our welcome party when it is our time to be with her again.
i'm scared, like to an unbelievable amount, for taylor. he hasn't really been "there" since sunday when he went to the hospital. he hasn't been himself and i'm afraid i might lose him. the way he says "i love you", it's as if he's saying it for the last time. just everything that's happened to him was enough, but to add this to the mix... i'm afraid he'll do something drastic. i want to call him. i haven't talked to him since saturday evening, but i know he doesn't want to talk. he's not coming to school tomorrow or thursday because he's going to alyssa's viewing and funeral. i guess i will leave him a message. i want to help him but i don't know how. is there even anything suitable to say anymore?
there was an 8th grader who died over winter break because of a skiing accident. 8th grade. it's like no one can really be unconditionally happy. because something is always going to happen. something terrible to make you lose hope in humanity and the goodness of god, if you believe in one, and really just the goodness of the world. the worst things happen to the best of people. i guess this is all just a big test, to just give us the subtle strength to be someone better and to do something great to make the people who have passed proud. give them a reason to throw a smile down at our distant and hurtful world. because without suffering and pain, we would not be able to experience just how great the good times are.

...

what are you supposed to say when somebody dies? is there anything you can really say? will it be enough?
i was angry yesterday but now it just seems so petty and i'm sorry that i was.

i wish he would just be put on probation already. i don't know what he does late at night, especially on weekends and during breaks, but it's not anything good. i don't trust him when he's with his friends. thats just fact. like last night i called him at 9 30, and he must have been driving because i could hear car noises, and it was like 5 people were in his car and everybody was yelling, and after 30 seconds, he said he'd call me back later. i knew he wouldn't. i knew he would text me at like 2 am, asking if i was still awake. and i was right.
the amount of freedom he has is dangerous and nobody is trying to stop him. i would like to believe that he hasn't done anything that he would regret yet, but considering the current path he is on right now, i'm not sure if i can still bring myself to believe it. it makes me want to cry, how he's so.... damaged and hurt and depressed but he doesn't really want to deal with it. he doesn't want to talk about it. his parents don't care what he does anymore, i'm pretty sure they're getting to the point where they don't care period.
i'm getting to the point where i'm depressed from being so tired. and because its january. this month has never been good to me

i don't tease you about being an asshole

Saw Garden State for the first time just now. Yes i realize that its 4AM and I haven't slept a wink since 4PM when I took a mini-nap. Not the point. It was such a good movie. Hearing New Slang by the Shins gave me chills, the kind of chills you get when you make contact with that one person who just makes you feel like you could shit gold bricks. It was like that. I don't know exactly what it was about the movie that makes me like it so much but I'm glad it does. It makes me... calm. Like nothing really matters except being happy and not caring about anything else. It's not selfish and it's not obnoxious, it's just being happy. Not extremely happy where you're giddy as fuck, just kind of calm. Pleasant. Like you're in neutral mode and it's okay that the engine is running and you're burning through gas because right then, it doesn't matter. (holy fuck do i sound like a douchebag indie hipster asshole). I think the reason I like this movie so much is because it makes me feel the way I felt today, or rather yesterday, when Taylor kissed me and he had a kind of nervous worried half-smile because he didn't know how his future was going to turn out but he knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. You'll know what I mean when it happens; it's like there's a gentle electric current between your lips and there's, and it leaves a pleasant tingling sensation that migrates to your stomach and makes you kind of shake or tremor. I don't know. Passion Pit's Sleepyhead (Elijah's Beat Generation Remix) reminds me of a summer sunrise, one of the first that you see when you're still on a school schedule and you happen to wake up at 6AM and you hate everything because it's the summer and you wonder why the fuck you're awake, until you see the sunrise. Then while the sun slowly climbs up above the horizon, you decide that it's time to go back to sleep, but waking up at 6AM was worth it because the sky was a couple dozen colors and you always missed it because you rushed through your mornings the way you rushed to class.

I look forward to the day that Taylor decides to open up to me and really tell me about his colorful past. I'm a little afraid, well a lot afraid, of what he might say, but I weighed the worst options and I, for the most part, would still be by his side. I guess I wouldn't want to know everything, but an outline with a few details would be nice. He says he's afraid that I will think he's crazy and that I would never want to talk to him again if I knew the things he did, but can things ever really be as bad as people think? I know they are some serious exceptions to this, but for the most part, things are exaggerated.

Could I sound like anymore of a motherfucking pseudo-deep, reflective, thoughtful asshole? Yes. But I really meant this post. So don't make fun of me please. :\

GOT EM

with



and



for a grand total of $136.93

FUCKIN BALLERRRRR

oh FUCK ME

I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING DUNKS

2009

HAPPY NEW YEARS BITCHES!!!!! I had a fuckin great time in SF, right near the end. Had some new experiences with the cuzzos, which I will go into after i review the shittiest year as of yet, 2008.

2008. sucked. my. left. nut. i had high hopes in the beginning, but it was just the beginning to a 6 month long heart break nonsense. it was ridiculous, but now i'm friends with the guy. i was always in trouble with my parents. i pretty much had no privacy but its not like i was going to contest it coz my parents paid for my phone and computer. i found out who my true best friends were..... again. i never slept. and shit i was so boy confused all the fucking time. then december came. what a fucking roller coaster. at least i've never been bored haha.

well 2009. Had my first REAL drink in cali with my cousins. Shots of henn chased by coke. i was sliiiiiiiightly buzzed, but not really. i had like 3 medium shots. then jan 1st, i went out with my cousins and smoked dat purp. i didn't really feel any different, but my eyes were bloodshot and i was tired and sleepy but laughed too loud at times. when i took my first hit, we passed by a street called High Street. shiiiiit. the bud was rolled in mango flavored blunt paper hahaha. well i'm done with all dat shit. gotta try it once you know, and i guess its good i kept it in the family at least.

hopefully later today i will go to the mall to meet up with some frannszz. and give taylor his 100 dollar wallet. shit he better like it or i will punch the motherfucker in the face. well maybe not, i like that face.

WOULD YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I BLEW THROUGH ALL 280 DOLLARS I GOT FOR XMAS?!?!!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!


lol me watching superbad while trippinn


sleepy drunk cousin


yellow ass motherfuckers


so gone on that henn


excited about his gas fade

WELL THAT IS ALL! i need an actual digital camera but as i have already said, i somehow HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY AT ALL