let's see....
i tried to take a break from? taylor last night. after i got into some trouble with my mom after Taylor and Jon Shin left my house, I had a talk with different people and realized that things can't continue the way they are going right now. My grades are in the shitter, my relationship with friends isn't how I'd like it to be, and all I can think about is taylor. NOT GOOD. Not saying that he isn't trying to make a change for the better, but he is far from where he'd like to be, whether or not he wants to admit it. So last night when he called, I first started off with "Please don't freak out, please don't be mad, I'm not breaking up with you." Well that didn't work out so well. We talked for about 40 minutes and it was just a back and forth of nonsense. I'm not really sure what I was trying to accomplish because god knows I didn't want to hurt him. After awhile, he said, "I'm going to bed" and hung up on me, which really really hurt. But I composed myself enough to call up Ashley. During that time, taylor sent me a couple texts that I didn;t even know about until he called me up. We talked and I told him that I really can't see him outside of school for awhile because 1. GROUNDED, 2. my mom really does not approve and it's hard to convince her that I'm not lying, and 3. GRADES SUCK BALLSACKS. I don't really know what got accomplished last night other than he is okay with the fact that we can't see each other outside of school until I get my license and gain more trust from my parents, and I made him cry. OOPS. Well I cried too so...
In a way, I feel like being with him holds me back. More my fault than his, but still. I don't want to be one of those girls who gets married right out of high school, and attends a nearby college just to be with their boyfriend. Yuckity yuck. He scared me with "I'll still love you in 5 months... I don't know if you will feel the same but I hope so." His need for stability and permanence is something that I don't know if I'll be able to guarantee. I'm flighty as fuck, it's a wonder we're still together. That's one of the things he was worried about, that during our "break", I'd find another guy. Well for the record, we're not on a break of any sort, we're still "exclusive" and we're still together. I was supposed to call him earlier, but I got stuck playing Pandemic 2. I don't know what will happen in 5 months, or where I'll be. I hope I'm still with him, but shit happens. Nothing is solid and nothing is forever, which is scary as fuck. But I wasn't lying when I said I'd love him forever, because you never really forget about your first love. I avoid saying things that will bind me, such as I'm never going to leave you and We'll be together forever. Because who knows the future? Nobody.
On a lighter note, I failed both my AP Chem midterms. Really horribly too. I just hope she curves them, and I hope I don't have a D+ for the quarter in lecture. I only have 2 midterms left: Latin and History. Easy as balls... I hope.
I don't know when I'll get my license. I think I'm doing a lot better with backing up and parking, but my parents do not agree. I really just want it by my birthday so I can drive on over to the movie theater to watch my first R movie LEGALLY. How exciting.
Sorry this post was so horribly boring. Life is kind of boring right now, but I will make the most of it!
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