Well... I'm gonna call Taylor in a little bit, but right now, we're officially on a break. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work but I guess I'll find out. Jon walked to Taylor's house in the snow and ice and freezing cold just to talk and comfort him; I was on the phone with him while he was making his 20 minute journey. So... I don't know. I am not really accepting the fact that the nothing is certain right now, and I'm really not accepting the fact that I don't know if I will go back to him. I'd love to: who wants things to change if they're okay right now? But that's the thing, something better could be waiting if you took a risk and gave change a chance. (Barf at that poetic sentiment). So yeah. I'm just kind of sad and disappointed and I'm just being realistic because relying too much on your dreams for optimism will just let you down in the end.

I played sudoku for 2 hours today. I'm really tired after being on the phone with Jon for 3 hours last night, first talking about Taylor, then Rebecca, then whatever nonsense, serious or not, we could come up with. He's a good guy. Change doesn't happen overnight and I am slowly trying to accept that.

Reading this:


for English class. It's really good.

Hmm... I need a good cry. Bring on the Grey's mothafuckaaaa

BREAK

he just put us on break over text haha. UPDATES LATER

GREY AREA

OK FIRST, GOSSIPS:

Jon is definitely definitely definitely diggin on Rebecca. oh my god. hahahaha. i can't get over how wrong it is. they are polar opposites and he would crush her. he's always doing some stupid shit and he's always out. i shall update the world when i find out more.

OK NOW, SERIOUS:

I still want to break up with him. He makes me happy but only when i see him. otherwise, i'm worrying my mothafuckin ass off. I just do not trust him. I mean I don't think he'll go out and have a night of mayhem and get boozed and blazed, because I'm sure he'd tell me out of guilt. But his priorities are everywhere and he's hardly ever home. We barely talk because he's always out at night. I HATE WAITING. I HATE WORRYING. I'm at an impasse. What do I do? Do I stay, urge for change, hope that it'll happen, and probably just be disappointed later? Or do I leave right now? Or do I leave later...

It hurts thinking about it. Like this whole thing requires a level of maturity i don't have/don't want to have right now. WHATEVER I"M GETTING KICKED OFF THE COMP RIGHT NOW

march 24

WANT ITTTTT

i'm a bit of a sadist

let's see....

i tried to take a break from? taylor last night. after i got into some trouble with my mom after Taylor and Jon Shin left my house, I had a talk with different people and realized that things can't continue the way they are going right now. My grades are in the shitter, my relationship with friends isn't how I'd like it to be, and all I can think about is taylor. NOT GOOD. Not saying that he isn't trying to make a change for the better, but he is far from where he'd like to be, whether or not he wants to admit it. So last night when he called, I first started off with "Please don't freak out, please don't be mad, I'm not breaking up with you." Well that didn't work out so well. We talked for about 40 minutes and it was just a back and forth of nonsense. I'm not really sure what I was trying to accomplish because god knows I didn't want to hurt him. After awhile, he said, "I'm going to bed" and hung up on me, which really really hurt. But I composed myself enough to call up Ashley. During that time, taylor sent me a couple texts that I didn;t even know about until he called me up. We talked and I told him that I really can't see him outside of school for awhile because 1. GROUNDED, 2. my mom really does not approve and it's hard to convince her that I'm not lying, and 3. GRADES SUCK BALLSACKS. I don't really know what got accomplished last night other than he is okay with the fact that we can't see each other outside of school until I get my license and gain more trust from my parents, and I made him cry. OOPS. Well I cried too so...

In a way, I feel like being with him holds me back. More my fault than his, but still. I don't want to be one of those girls who gets married right out of high school, and attends a nearby college just to be with their boyfriend. Yuckity yuck. He scared me with "I'll still love you in 5 months... I don't know if you will feel the same but I hope so." His need for stability and permanence is something that I don't know if I'll be able to guarantee. I'm flighty as fuck, it's a wonder we're still together. That's one of the things he was worried about, that during our "break", I'd find another guy. Well for the record, we're not on a break of any sort, we're still "exclusive" and we're still together. I was supposed to call him earlier, but I got stuck playing Pandemic 2. I don't know what will happen in 5 months, or where I'll be. I hope I'm still with him, but shit happens. Nothing is solid and nothing is forever, which is scary as fuck. But I wasn't lying when I said I'd love him forever, because you never really forget about your first love. I avoid saying things that will bind me, such as I'm never going to leave you and We'll be together forever. Because who knows the future? Nobody.

On a lighter note, I failed both my AP Chem midterms. Really horribly too. I just hope she curves them, and I hope I don't have a D+ for the quarter in lecture. I only have 2 midterms left: Latin and History. Easy as balls... I hope.

I don't know when I'll get my license. I think I'm doing a lot better with backing up and parking, but my parents do not agree. I really just want it by my birthday so I can drive on over to the movie theater to watch my first R movie LEGALLY. How exciting.

Sorry this post was so horribly boring. Life is kind of boring right now, but I will make the most of it!

just gettin his text on

last night, i webcammed with darbus and jenny. we started talking about dicks, and i text taylor, bored, saying that we were still on the cam and talking about penises. he texts back with these gems:

"Haha wait until you feel my penis!!! :-D you'll just love it!"
then i say something, i forget what. then...
"Well me and you are going to be creative when we have sex! Am I right? lol I love you baby!!!!!"

oh. my. god. i asked him if he had experience in the subject matter, and he answered with:
"No, but that's what's going to make it amazing baby! :-)" (i still don't think he's a virgin... but assumptions make an ass out of u and me)

TAYLOR?! DO YOU NOT THINK BEFORE YOU TEXT?!?! WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?!?!
he brings up sex and marriage more often now and its like, my god man, we're 16 and 17. lost in puppy love, straight up.

i'm gonna have lunch with him tomorrow at panera, just me and him. then after a bit, kalvin shall arrive and i'll buy him lunch for his birthday. should be interesting and fun. chill day. i should start studying for midterms. and i should also clear out my inbox now.

he's gotta meet me some time if i'm gonna be his son-in-law

let me begin my saturday with lies. that's what they always consist of anyway. at around 3, i go over to ashleigh's and shortly after, darbus showed up. we sit around for 2 hours, waiting for taylor to get his ass over. well unsurprisingly, he's at the gym, so we go over to his house to meet up with him. his dad lets us in. he briefly forgets who i was. then he asks me how california was. it was just kind of surprising that taylor told his parents where i went over winter break. anyway anyway anyway, there are a gaggle of girls, his sister, kristen, and her friends, just walking around the house in dresses. it's kristen's 14th birthday party and there are to be like, 50+ people over in the house. taylor is walking around without a shirt on while several budding teenage girls still in middle school are walking about. you know they were checking him out. you fuckin know it. uh... we three kings make our way up to his room. he's still getting dressed, my god he takes a century. it's past 5pm now. it took us 2 fucking hours to get out and finally do something. we get into taylor's car and we go to eat at some pizza place. no wonder the fucker never eats lunch when i'm around, he's a messy ass eater. um um um... by 6 30, we bounce out, go to taylor's house to get darb's car and we go to ashleigh's house. we watch American History X... for the most part. then ashleigh puts in another movie that nobody watches. at 9 45, my dad picks me up. the entire time, my parents believed i was studying. oh and then we stopped, had dinner, and watched a movie. i think it was implied that taylor was over since my mom figured out that darbus was there too. it was a good night. we didn't do much of anything but i think that that's what made it so great. i almost fell asleep in taylor's arms because i was so goddamn tired. SO CUTE OH MY GOD!!! haha fuck that shit!

i don't know if that D+ i had in lecture will get bumped up to at least a C. i can only hope. i already feel like shit over the C i'll have in math and the B's i'm pulling in my bullshit classes. i've never been in trouble over my grades.

and well, here's a picture from last night.



me: "oh my god i'm like doing normal teenager things like going out with friends in their cars and such!!"
taylor: "who the hell is this crazy bitch swear to god..."

dinner's gonna be cold tonight, ASSHOLE!

so even though i pretty much just failed my math midterm, i say FUCK IT because i saw my boy smile for the first time in a week today. it made me feel so good. i had to run in my class to drop my stuff off and then i ran back to him and gave him the biggest hug ever and i don't know, it was just great!! i was walking to class, all spaced out because i just failed my fucking midterm, and he says to me "wow you just gonna walk past me like that, like you don't even know me?!" and i was like "oh SHIT!!!" and we hug and the thought of my failure is gone, if even jsut in that moment. whatever man, fuck it!! yesterday and the day before, he was just apologizing for acting so weird and stuff he really shouldn't have to apologize for, and i quote, "i'm sorry i've been acting weird. i don't know how you put up with me but i'm really glad you do." i was like shit boy, i love you!!
i dont know how long our love will last, hopefully a long time, but we're still in school and we're still young. i know that nothing is really set in stone and nothing is forever, but i want to get to know him and i want him to get to know me. i just want to live in the moment right now. who knows where i'll be and who i'll be with in 5 years. but right now, i just want to be right here, with him.

well i watched eternal sunshine of a spotless mind and pineapple express just now. downloading garden state. kate and evelyn are coming over in a couple hours. tomorrow i'm gonna cheel with ashleigh and darbus (hopefully) tomorrow. we've been wanting to dub-date for awhile now so hopefully tomorrow it'll go down.

uhh.... SENT AND RECEIVED OVER 8000 TEXTS LAST MONTH!!! WEAK SAUCE! I'm gonna have a couple C's and possibly a D+ on my report card. KILL ME. i don't know how to tell my parents. idk if they'll understand that 2nd quarter is just... really really hard. ugh i was such a slacker. but i'm changing! its never too late to change, if even for yourself.

uhhhhh..... sucks i'm on the rag now. it's like a furious battle.

if i fall into the drink, i will say your name before i sink

this week has been so rough for everyone. not just including the passing of alyssa beach, but everyone's relationship problems with people and the conflict going on in the middle east and just everything. i don't know alyssa and i never had the pleasure of meeting her, but i was talking to evelyn about it, and i just started crying. it's so tragic, not just for her, but for everyone she was connected with. i think it's worse for her family and friends than it is for her because they're the ones who have to deal with her absence. at least she can prepare for our welcome party when it is our time to be with her again.
i'm scared, like to an unbelievable amount, for taylor. he hasn't really been "there" since sunday when he went to the hospital. he hasn't been himself and i'm afraid i might lose him. the way he says "i love you", it's as if he's saying it for the last time. just everything that's happened to him was enough, but to add this to the mix... i'm afraid he'll do something drastic. i want to call him. i haven't talked to him since saturday evening, but i know he doesn't want to talk. he's not coming to school tomorrow or thursday because he's going to alyssa's viewing and funeral. i guess i will leave him a message. i want to help him but i don't know how. is there even anything suitable to say anymore?
there was an 8th grader who died over winter break because of a skiing accident. 8th grade. it's like no one can really be unconditionally happy. because something is always going to happen. something terrible to make you lose hope in humanity and the goodness of god, if you believe in one, and really just the goodness of the world. the worst things happen to the best of people. i guess this is all just a big test, to just give us the subtle strength to be someone better and to do something great to make the people who have passed proud. give them a reason to throw a smile down at our distant and hurtful world. because without suffering and pain, we would not be able to experience just how great the good times are.

...

what are you supposed to say when somebody dies? is there anything you can really say? will it be enough?
i was angry yesterday but now it just seems so petty and i'm sorry that i was.

i wish he would just be put on probation already. i don't know what he does late at night, especially on weekends and during breaks, but it's not anything good. i don't trust him when he's with his friends. thats just fact. like last night i called him at 9 30, and he must have been driving because i could hear car noises, and it was like 5 people were in his car and everybody was yelling, and after 30 seconds, he said he'd call me back later. i knew he wouldn't. i knew he would text me at like 2 am, asking if i was still awake. and i was right.
the amount of freedom he has is dangerous and nobody is trying to stop him. i would like to believe that he hasn't done anything that he would regret yet, but considering the current path he is on right now, i'm not sure if i can still bring myself to believe it. it makes me want to cry, how he's so.... damaged and hurt and depressed but he doesn't really want to deal with it. he doesn't want to talk about it. his parents don't care what he does anymore, i'm pretty sure they're getting to the point where they don't care period.
i'm getting to the point where i'm depressed from being so tired. and because its january. this month has never been good to me

i don't tease you about being an asshole

Saw Garden State for the first time just now. Yes i realize that its 4AM and I haven't slept a wink since 4PM when I took a mini-nap. Not the point. It was such a good movie. Hearing New Slang by the Shins gave me chills, the kind of chills you get when you make contact with that one person who just makes you feel like you could shit gold bricks. It was like that. I don't know exactly what it was about the movie that makes me like it so much but I'm glad it does. It makes me... calm. Like nothing really matters except being happy and not caring about anything else. It's not selfish and it's not obnoxious, it's just being happy. Not extremely happy where you're giddy as fuck, just kind of calm. Pleasant. Like you're in neutral mode and it's okay that the engine is running and you're burning through gas because right then, it doesn't matter. (holy fuck do i sound like a douchebag indie hipster asshole). I think the reason I like this movie so much is because it makes me feel the way I felt today, or rather yesterday, when Taylor kissed me and he had a kind of nervous worried half-smile because he didn't know how his future was going to turn out but he knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. You'll know what I mean when it happens; it's like there's a gentle electric current between your lips and there's, and it leaves a pleasant tingling sensation that migrates to your stomach and makes you kind of shake or tremor. I don't know. Passion Pit's Sleepyhead (Elijah's Beat Generation Remix) reminds me of a summer sunrise, one of the first that you see when you're still on a school schedule and you happen to wake up at 6AM and you hate everything because it's the summer and you wonder why the fuck you're awake, until you see the sunrise. Then while the sun slowly climbs up above the horizon, you decide that it's time to go back to sleep, but waking up at 6AM was worth it because the sky was a couple dozen colors and you always missed it because you rushed through your mornings the way you rushed to class.

I look forward to the day that Taylor decides to open up to me and really tell me about his colorful past. I'm a little afraid, well a lot afraid, of what he might say, but I weighed the worst options and I, for the most part, would still be by his side. I guess I wouldn't want to know everything, but an outline with a few details would be nice. He says he's afraid that I will think he's crazy and that I would never want to talk to him again if I knew the things he did, but can things ever really be as bad as people think? I know they are some serious exceptions to this, but for the most part, things are exaggerated.

Could I sound like anymore of a motherfucking pseudo-deep, reflective, thoughtful asshole? Yes. But I really meant this post. So don't make fun of me please. :\

GOT EM

with



and



for a grand total of $136.93

FUCKIN BALLERRRRR

oh FUCK ME

I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING DUNKS

2009

HAPPY NEW YEARS BITCHES!!!!! I had a fuckin great time in SF, right near the end. Had some new experiences with the cuzzos, which I will go into after i review the shittiest year as of yet, 2008.

2008. sucked. my. left. nut. i had high hopes in the beginning, but it was just the beginning to a 6 month long heart break nonsense. it was ridiculous, but now i'm friends with the guy. i was always in trouble with my parents. i pretty much had no privacy but its not like i was going to contest it coz my parents paid for my phone and computer. i found out who my true best friends were..... again. i never slept. and shit i was so boy confused all the fucking time. then december came. what a fucking roller coaster. at least i've never been bored haha.

well 2009. Had my first REAL drink in cali with my cousins. Shots of henn chased by coke. i was sliiiiiiiightly buzzed, but not really. i had like 3 medium shots. then jan 1st, i went out with my cousins and smoked dat purp. i didn't really feel any different, but my eyes were bloodshot and i was tired and sleepy but laughed too loud at times. when i took my first hit, we passed by a street called High Street. shiiiiit. the bud was rolled in mango flavored blunt paper hahaha. well i'm done with all dat shit. gotta try it once you know, and i guess its good i kept it in the family at least.

hopefully later today i will go to the mall to meet up with some frannszz. and give taylor his 100 dollar wallet. shit he better like it or i will punch the motherfucker in the face. well maybe not, i like that face.

WOULD YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I BLEW THROUGH ALL 280 DOLLARS I GOT FOR XMAS?!?!!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!


lol me watching superbad while trippinn


sleepy drunk cousin


yellow ass motherfuckers


so gone on that henn


excited about his gas fade

WELL THAT IS ALL! i need an actual digital camera but as i have already said, i somehow HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY AT ALL