BREAK

he just put us on break over text haha. UPDATES LATER

GREY AREA

OK FIRST, GOSSIPS:

Jon is definitely definitely definitely diggin on Rebecca. oh my god. hahahaha. i can't get over how wrong it is. they are polar opposites and he would crush her. he's always doing some stupid shit and he's always out. i shall update the world when i find out more.

OK NOW, SERIOUS:

I still want to break up with him. He makes me happy but only when i see him. otherwise, i'm worrying my mothafuckin ass off. I just do not trust him. I mean I don't think he'll go out and have a night of mayhem and get boozed and blazed, because I'm sure he'd tell me out of guilt. But his priorities are everywhere and he's hardly ever home. We barely talk because he's always out at night. I HATE WAITING. I HATE WORRYING. I'm at an impasse. What do I do? Do I stay, urge for change, hope that it'll happen, and probably just be disappointed later? Or do I leave right now? Or do I leave later...

It hurts thinking about it. Like this whole thing requires a level of maturity i don't have/don't want to have right now. WHATEVER I"M GETTING KICKED OFF THE COMP RIGHT NOW

march 24

WANT ITTTTT

i'm a bit of a sadist

let's see....

i tried to take a break from? taylor last night. after i got into some trouble with my mom after Taylor and Jon Shin left my house, I had a talk with different people and realized that things can't continue the way they are going right now. My grades are in the shitter, my relationship with friends isn't how I'd like it to be, and all I can think about is taylor. NOT GOOD. Not saying that he isn't trying to make a change for the better, but he is far from where he'd like to be, whether or not he wants to admit it. So last night when he called, I first started off with "Please don't freak out, please don't be mad, I'm not breaking up with you." Well that didn't work out so well. We talked for about 40 minutes and it was just a back and forth of nonsense. I'm not really sure what I was trying to accomplish because god knows I didn't want to hurt him. After awhile, he said, "I'm going to bed" and hung up on me, which really really hurt. But I composed myself enough to call up Ashley. During that time, taylor sent me a couple texts that I didn;t even know about until he called me up. We talked and I told him that I really can't see him outside of school for awhile because 1. GROUNDED, 2. my mom really does not approve and it's hard to convince her that I'm not lying, and 3. GRADES SUCK BALLSACKS. I don't really know what got accomplished last night other than he is okay with the fact that we can't see each other outside of school until I get my license and gain more trust from my parents, and I made him cry. OOPS. Well I cried too so...

In a way, I feel like being with him holds me back. More my fault than his, but still. I don't want to be one of those girls who gets married right out of high school, and attends a nearby college just to be with their boyfriend. Yuckity yuck. He scared me with "I'll still love you in 5 months... I don't know if you will feel the same but I hope so." His need for stability and permanence is something that I don't know if I'll be able to guarantee. I'm flighty as fuck, it's a wonder we're still together. That's one of the things he was worried about, that during our "break", I'd find another guy. Well for the record, we're not on a break of any sort, we're still "exclusive" and we're still together. I was supposed to call him earlier, but I got stuck playing Pandemic 2. I don't know what will happen in 5 months, or where I'll be. I hope I'm still with him, but shit happens. Nothing is solid and nothing is forever, which is scary as fuck. But I wasn't lying when I said I'd love him forever, because you never really forget about your first love. I avoid saying things that will bind me, such as I'm never going to leave you and We'll be together forever. Because who knows the future? Nobody.

On a lighter note, I failed both my AP Chem midterms. Really horribly too. I just hope she curves them, and I hope I don't have a D+ for the quarter in lecture. I only have 2 midterms left: Latin and History. Easy as balls... I hope.

I don't know when I'll get my license. I think I'm doing a lot better with backing up and parking, but my parents do not agree. I really just want it by my birthday so I can drive on over to the movie theater to watch my first R movie LEGALLY. How exciting.

Sorry this post was so horribly boring. Life is kind of boring right now, but I will make the most of it!

just gettin his text on

last night, i webcammed with darbus and jenny. we started talking about dicks, and i text taylor, bored, saying that we were still on the cam and talking about penises. he texts back with these gems:

"Haha wait until you feel my penis!!! :-D you'll just love it!"
then i say something, i forget what. then...
"Well me and you are going to be creative when we have sex! Am I right? lol I love you baby!!!!!"

oh. my. god. i asked him if he had experience in the subject matter, and he answered with:
"No, but that's what's going to make it amazing baby! :-)" (i still don't think he's a virgin... but assumptions make an ass out of u and me)

TAYLOR?! DO YOU NOT THINK BEFORE YOU TEXT?!?! WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?!?!
he brings up sex and marriage more often now and its like, my god man, we're 16 and 17. lost in puppy love, straight up.

i'm gonna have lunch with him tomorrow at panera, just me and him. then after a bit, kalvin shall arrive and i'll buy him lunch for his birthday. should be interesting and fun. chill day. i should start studying for midterms. and i should also clear out my inbox now.

he's gotta meet me some time if i'm gonna be his son-in-law

let me begin my saturday with lies. that's what they always consist of anyway. at around 3, i go over to ashleigh's and shortly after, darbus showed up. we sit around for 2 hours, waiting for taylor to get his ass over. well unsurprisingly, he's at the gym, so we go over to his house to meet up with him. his dad lets us in. he briefly forgets who i was. then he asks me how california was. it was just kind of surprising that taylor told his parents where i went over winter break. anyway anyway anyway, there are a gaggle of girls, his sister, kristen, and her friends, just walking around the house in dresses. it's kristen's 14th birthday party and there are to be like, 50+ people over in the house. taylor is walking around without a shirt on while several budding teenage girls still in middle school are walking about. you know they were checking him out. you fuckin know it. uh... we three kings make our way up to his room. he's still getting dressed, my god he takes a century. it's past 5pm now. it took us 2 fucking hours to get out and finally do something. we get into taylor's car and we go to eat at some pizza place. no wonder the fucker never eats lunch when i'm around, he's a messy ass eater. um um um... by 6 30, we bounce out, go to taylor's house to get darb's car and we go to ashleigh's house. we watch American History X... for the most part. then ashleigh puts in another movie that nobody watches. at 9 45, my dad picks me up. the entire time, my parents believed i was studying. oh and then we stopped, had dinner, and watched a movie. i think it was implied that taylor was over since my mom figured out that darbus was there too. it was a good night. we didn't do much of anything but i think that that's what made it so great. i almost fell asleep in taylor's arms because i was so goddamn tired. SO CUTE OH MY GOD!!! haha fuck that shit!

i don't know if that D+ i had in lecture will get bumped up to at least a C. i can only hope. i already feel like shit over the C i'll have in math and the B's i'm pulling in my bullshit classes. i've never been in trouble over my grades.

and well, here's a picture from last night.



me: "oh my god i'm like doing normal teenager things like going out with friends in their cars and such!!"
taylor: "who the hell is this crazy bitch swear to god..."

dinner's gonna be cold tonight, ASSHOLE!

so even though i pretty much just failed my math midterm, i say FUCK IT because i saw my boy smile for the first time in a week today. it made me feel so good. i had to run in my class to drop my stuff off and then i ran back to him and gave him the biggest hug ever and i don't know, it was just great!! i was walking to class, all spaced out because i just failed my fucking midterm, and he says to me "wow you just gonna walk past me like that, like you don't even know me?!" and i was like "oh SHIT!!!" and we hug and the thought of my failure is gone, if even jsut in that moment. whatever man, fuck it!! yesterday and the day before, he was just apologizing for acting so weird and stuff he really shouldn't have to apologize for, and i quote, "i'm sorry i've been acting weird. i don't know how you put up with me but i'm really glad you do." i was like shit boy, i love you!!
i dont know how long our love will last, hopefully a long time, but we're still in school and we're still young. i know that nothing is really set in stone and nothing is forever, but i want to get to know him and i want him to get to know me. i just want to live in the moment right now. who knows where i'll be and who i'll be with in 5 years. but right now, i just want to be right here, with him.

well i watched eternal sunshine of a spotless mind and pineapple express just now. downloading garden state. kate and evelyn are coming over in a couple hours. tomorrow i'm gonna cheel with ashleigh and darbus (hopefully) tomorrow. we've been wanting to dub-date for awhile now so hopefully tomorrow it'll go down.

uhh.... SENT AND RECEIVED OVER 8000 TEXTS LAST MONTH!!! WEAK SAUCE! I'm gonna have a couple C's and possibly a D+ on my report card. KILL ME. i don't know how to tell my parents. idk if they'll understand that 2nd quarter is just... really really hard. ugh i was such a slacker. but i'm changing! its never too late to change, if even for yourself.

uhhhhh..... sucks i'm on the rag now. it's like a furious battle.