):

i thought that by removing taylor from my life, i would be removing certain "worries" involving sketchy shit. guess not.

i hate drinking

I hate UVA, plain and simple. Me and Ashley visited it yesterday for this overnight engineering information weekend thing. Too many white people in northface denalis, sperry topsiders or uggs, and a preppy ass attitude.

I had a heart to heart with my mom on friday night, and now i am closer to getting completely over Taylor, for I just deleted his number out of my phone.

Oh and Fun Fact: I've had my contacts in for over 24 hours

ahhh once I stop being lazy as shit, I think I'll make some brownies. Food for the post-menstrual girl. I don't know how well I did compared to previous days, but I'm slowly restraining myself from basically stalking the Taylors. It's hard, Lord knows it, but I'm doing it. I just really cannot wrap my head around the fact that I AM STILL HUNG UP ON THIS. It's been three weeks or so, and I still cannot get over the fact that it's over. What happened, happened, good or bad, and now it's time to move on. Maybe it's because I have no new distraction. Not a rebound per se, but there's always been another guy that I'm tryna get big with (lol) after I say good bye to another. Ah I don't know. I let this whole thing get to my head and get bigger than anything ever has a right to. Naive, foolish, stupid: these are the words that describe me.

In other news! I got a 110% on a math quiz, and I'm pretty sure I aced the one I took today. Because of this, my mom is letting me do free pancake day next tuesday. I mean, I would have gone regardless, but now I can do it without having any secrets. It feels pretty good, I mean the truth does.

Speaking of which... what is truth? If everybody lies and if everybody is flawed, is there really an honest truth? Unbiased, no strings attached truth?

pipe dream

i saw T squared in the hall after school today, being all coupley and such, and I couldn't restrain myself from being loud and making myself heard. Its just something I have to do. I sometimes come to the point where I can't even stop myself, I don't know what's happening until I'm already doing it. I want them to know that I'm quite present, that I can see everything and that I have no problem with it; I'm countering their obnoxiousness with my own kind. Maybe I'm compensating for the heartbreak by being loud and belligerent. Or maybe I enjoy the attention. Or maybe I'm just a fuckin asshole. You know, whatever

I'm trying to figure out my pipe dream. Everyone's gotta have one

hormones

they are everywhere. i'm not down, but i'm not up. i'm just tired. sometimes i wonder if God even knows my name, if he even knows who i am. i am a shitty person. the lowest of the low. true, i haven't killed anyone, but i'm pretty damn close to killing people on the inside. yesterday my mom started screaming at me, saying i was the reason why she was in so much physical and emotional pain, that i was the cause of all of her stress, etc. that just made me want to leave the house even faster. people are too good to me. if i was burning at the stake and given the gun, would i choose to put myself out of my own misery, or shoot the ones holding the torches? (House reference haha)

okay i'm done.

lucky

I'm listening to that song by jason mraz and colbie calliat, and it makes me so happy.

this year really has shown me who are my friends, who i can count and depend and lean on, who's got my back, and it really is amazing. i have a newfound love in god and jesus and higher powers. if there wasn't something bigger than this world, then would everything really be this beautiful amidst all the bull shit? no. i'm never really alone, and i'm never lonely. thank you for being my friends, for being the loves of my life. you are all my valentines. life is amazing right now and i really like where i'm at right now. i'm so blessed for the people i have in my life. i have all your backs, you don't even have to think twice about it.

on a lighter note...

20 days left of grounding! i hope... i'm really trying to stay awake in school, do my homework, do my best, but its so hard. i havent gotten full credit on my math homework for the past couple assignments. i need to work on that. i don't know why i keep fluctuating, i just keep losing interest periodically, and now i'm pretty much just aiming for GMU or VCU doesn't help my motivation. I have a 3.9 GPA, and I really have no interest in bringing that up to higher than a 4. i'm not looking to go to the Ivy Leagues, I just want an education.

well that wasn't so light.

happy valetine's day! i miss having a crush and wishing someone would ask me to be their valentine. actually... that's never happened to me. i guess what i miss is that feeling of liking someone secretly and wondering if they like you too; hoping you're making the right moves and not being a creep haha. anyway...

happy valentine's day!

get em hash

So a little bird told me that dear old ex-boyfriend gave the bracelet to his new girl. The bracelet with all my body oil, sweat, grease, epithelial cells, and basically ME all over it. How classy. I'm demanding for my wallet back. I didn't care back then, when I thought he'd just return it, or at the very least, let it sit at the bottom of the drawer, but to GIVE IT TO HIS NEW GIRL!! Shit. And she has no idea, at least, I'm pretty damn sure she has no idea. That's just beyond trashy. Whatever, I'm going to get it back from him tomorrow, even if I end up missing my bus and all kinds of foolishness. To re-gift something that you supposedly got for me is really low. "Happy Valentine's Day babe, here's a bracelet I gave to my ex. You can have it now!" Some people who have classes with his new girl said they'd make a comment about it, like 'Oh that bracelet looks familiar...' Haha. Oh hunnay, the things he's telling you aren't anything new.



OH! Exciting! I finally got to take a hoe out to Burger King today! Spent 10 damn dollars on a classy as fuck meal at the BK Lounge. Ashley best have enjoyed it. These past couple of days have just been really great, just chillin with the franss, riding in their cars, being loud and belligerent, being a damn t e e n a g e r. It feels good.

Oh Valentine's day! I'm making cupcakes tonight. Special individual cupcakes for all of my lovers. Ah love. It's a great feeling, and it doesn't have to be from a special someone. Because you know what? All my friends are special someones. Speaking of special someone, Darbus is definitely attempting to hook me up with his friend Dominic. Thanks dude, thanks.

In Latin today, I was just talking with Vanessa about our summer and college plans. How we want to hang the fuck out, go on road trips, party it up, and live up these last 2 summers of our high school lives. Can you believe it, we're graduating in a year and 4 months' time. That's 16 months. 16 months to cry, laugh, yell, smile, and basically be retarded with your high school friends. Face it, you're not going to be friends with everyone after school, so enjoy the time you have with these people now.

Well, in the not so distant future, I have Georgetown plans to look forward to! Me, Ashley, Evelyn, Kristie, and hopefully Jenny, are going to Georgetown for our birthdays. Lunch, walk around, take the metro, and be classy as fuck. I hope that after that, my rents will let me go out more often with friends, since now they can drive me and janks. I want to go to Pentagon City, Crystal City, and DC in general.

I'm getting boring. Sorry :\

girl what you drinkin?

TODAY WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY, PERFECT SHORTS/SKIRT WEATHER AND GUESS WHAT?!?! I GOT MY FUCKING PERIOD! Who are my ovaries tryna get big with? Shit.

I'm really enjoying class with T. Sitting right across from him in class gives me the perfect opportunity to just watch him and be a goddamn creep. I definitely ran into both Taylors in the stairwell today but I was totally friendly; shit i even said hi! They just kind of stumbled and I think one of them said "oh shit". This whole thing has also made me want to destroy my high school reputation. ALL THESE BITCHES CAN KISS MY ASS TIL THEIR LIPS BLEED!

Only 3 weeks and 2 days until I am ungrounded (hopefully)!! Oh and the fact that my rents finally are letting me get rides from student drivers is ballin. I love being in the car, blastin that hoodrat shit with the windows down, being a TEENAGER. It feels good. It's what I've always looked forward to, as sad as that sounds :\

Oh damn, V-Day on Saturday. Another V-DAY ALONE. And grounded. What the tits. SIKE I don't give a shit, the single life is where it is at, NIGGA. Do what you want, no restrictions, no boundaries, no one to answer or explain shit to. YEAAAH

Things are lookin up, they really are. I just hope it keeps up. I'm just ready for the summer time; out and about, poolin around, ray-bans, dark tans, rainbow flipflops, and wack ass booty shorts is where that shit is AT. oh so excited. then senior year: hello second semester! I think i might just go to GMU or VCU, maybe UVA if I like it. I'm definitely staying in-state and saving the prestigious shit for grad school; wait for me JHU, for you are the only one who has my heart.

ANYWAY It's time for me to blame it on the alcohol aka homework

WACK ASS SHIT

Gave that dirty ass bastard back his bracelet, along with a goodbye letter. And you know what he had the nerve to do? Text me, saying that he meant everything he said, that he just wants me to know that. So then I asked him how that could be true, when he has a new girl within a week, and he RESPONDS BACK WITH: "I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER." NIGGA?! Don't think you can play that game with me, the "make my ex jealous" game, because I don't want your fake, dirty ass ANYWAY. she can have all of you, all your bipolar, smoke-filled, cologne soaked, angry self. FUCK YOU IN THE ASSHOLE. YOUR BRACELET WAS UGLY ANYWAY, I ONLY WORE IT BECAUSE YOU GAVE IT TO ME.

Anyway! 29 Wack ass days left until I'm ungrounded (I hope). I need all A's on my interim in order to be off grounding. I'M GONNA FUCKIN DO IT!

In other news... I'm really burnin for some T & Co. swag. There's this signature 1837 T&Co. ring in 18K gold, $450. There's a ring in the same style but in sterling silver for $100, but I hate silver ):



I should be getting about 80 dollars from my tax return, whenever my dad gets around to showing me on how to file it. I now regret that I didn't pawn the damn bracelet, 30 dollars is better than nothing. But oh well, moral value should pay off in the end... at least, it fucking better! I was trying to be a good , loving person, but shit, if i don't even get inner peace or some wack ass nonsense from it, I'LL STAB HIM IN THE NECK. lol no i won't but anyway.

I can't wait until spring! Shorts, shirts, no jackets, cute shoes, cute BOYS~

New Day

T asked TD out last night, because facebook told me and my eyes screamed it when I saw them together. Earlier, I was really hurt, depressed, angry, etc etc, but now I just see it as something to grow from. I could take it one of two ways: become a psycho bitch and be angry and miserable all the time; or I could see it as a learning experience, if you will. Sure, she's probably a rebound girl. Sure, she's probably fallen for the same silly foolishness I bought into. But I am not her and she is not me. I WILL BE STRONGER THAN WHAT PEOPLE SEE ME AS!! No more anger! No more disappointment! No more being hurt and no more hurtful words! What's done is done and that is all that I can say. Goodbye yesterday, Hello RIGHT NOW.

I must say, I'm doing a fantastic job of staying awake in school. After getting trashed on by my rents last night, which I totally expected and deserved but just wasn't ready for, I knew what I had to keep doing. I'm not going to let a midyear failure bring me down for the rest of the year, or really, the rest of my life. Winter is full of bad mistakes. Winter is my growing month. My heart is breaking because of him, and because of my grades, and because of the way I'm letting my life turn out. THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO BECOME! Therefore, I will BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE!

EVERYDAY IS A NEW DAY TO DO SOMETHING GREAT. EVERY MINUTE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW AND LEARN AND LOVE. Don't take advantage of the time you are given! The best gift anybody could ever have is the gift of LIFE. I don't mean existing, i mean LIFE. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS LIFE HAS TO OFFER, for without love, there would be no happiness. Take the good things, as well as the bad. Do not regret too much, and do not dwell too long, for the time spent on such trivial worries could be better spent on LIVING!

TD is definitely about to hop on T's dick. And facebook is doing a good job of confirming suspicions: "TD has the good kind of butterflies =]]]". Mm, you know T has probably been telling TD all sorts of sweet nothings because that's what he's good at. After serious yelling and fighting and foolishness, I texted him last night saying that I just wanted us to be civil with no more fighting or yelling or anything. He said okay and that was that. Class wasn't bad at all. It was just like the beginning of the year when I didn't know him/didn't know he even existed, as horrible as that sounds. Before 4th period, T and TD were chillin around in the hallway that TD and I both have classes in. A mutual friend of TD and I said that after T left, he asked TD if she was gonna hop on that, and she said "no... I'm gonna wait" or something to that extent. Lol, you say that now but you're going to be swayed into fucking him in a matter of weeks. But ever since I was pretty much coerced by my own self into cutting ties completely, it's made dealing with this a little easier. Except for the fact it's as if T is flaunting his new girl in my face, or making it really goddamn obvious that he's going to ignore me but make his presence known. But he was really quiet in History. He always has been, for the most part. It's weird because I know he's not like that in his other classes. I guiltily admit that he looked daaaaamn fine today, in his sweet get up. The way he dresses and carries himself really gets to me. It's so attractive, but also so dangerous. I hope this doesn't become another SW incident where I was stuck for about 6 months hardcore, and a couple months after that until things ended with Alex and T showed up. Oh man oh man. WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

STORY TIME

Have I got one for you. Back story: School was awkward, he tried to kiss me on Thursday, ended up being all sweet on Friday, but we were both confused as to where we stood. I asked him to call me before 7pm or after 9pm, CALL NOT TEXT, so we could talk. He said, yes yes i will, i love you, etc etc bull shit. I then go over to E's house and KD was there too. E told me about something sketchy that happened that implied he may have had a girl on the side, or was at least doing something suspicious with her. I never knew of T hanging out with a female T, just a male T. (They all share the same name haha). Anyway, KD says she's seen my T hanging out with a female T, a TD to be exact. SKETCHY. Now here is where it begins.

Start: Saturday Jan 31, 2009- 12:24 AM

T- Hey, sorry it took me so long. I was at the movies with beau, jon, and drewww!
A- Cool man.
T- What?
T- Is something wrong
A- Yes.
**CALLS ME TWICE; I DON'T PICK UP TO GIVE HIM A TASTE OF HIS OWN GODDAMN MEDICINE**
T- I know your right their beside your phone
T- What the hell Angi, I didn't do anything?
A- You're only calling me now that you know something is wrong.
A- Thats the thing, you didn't do anything.
T- I'm sorry. Its just hard to talk
T- And your not a perfect little angel either so don't play that card with me
A- If you miss me and care for me, why don't you ever call me. Text does nothing
A- Who said I was. But I've been trying harder to contact you and you pull the text crap on me
T- What the hell, I'm sorry and I do fucking care about you. I love you, and I'm sorry I'm wait WHAT? Fine then I won't fucking text you at all is that what you want? Okayyy
A- How about you call me instead, just to talk. Why do we only talk when there are problems
T- Texting is better then nothing and I have talking on the phone. I love talking to you but I'd rather do it in person. Ughh wtf I HATE FUCKING FIGHTING GODDAMMIT IM SORRY OKAY IM FUCKING SORRY
A- I'm tired of sorry. Its all I ever hear
T- Well you know what I'm tired of. You being embarrassed of our relationship from the beginning because you were scared of what your friends would think you wouldn't stand up for yourself because your a fucking follower who only goes along with everyone else. You told me in the beginning you didn't want to "act" like we were in a relationship because of what your friends would think but if YOU really cared about me that wouldn't matter
A- What is this follower business? When my friends started giving me crap, I defended you. I tired my hardest to have them accept you and like you, now matter what they heard
T- Oh yeah, because I'm a "bad" kid, right? They DONT FUCKING KNOW ME
A- I don't even know you
T- Whatever
T- I can't take this shit, I'm out.
T- What? I told you my life story basically how could you even say that
A- Not that. Everything else about you. I don't know much
T- I can't believe you just said that... Seriously. I guess all that time we spent together was a waste of time right? Or maybe you weren't listening because I learned a lot about you. And you know a lot about me
A- Tell me all that you know about me. Not trying to be malicious but I just want to know what you know
T- Well I know that your very smart, care a lot about school your favorite color is gold, when you grow up you want to be a doctor your birthday is march 24 you listen to weird but good music? You love the shins you don't play any sports you love jordan shoes [[TOTAL LIE JORDANS BLOW]] and style you told me your favorite food? But I forgot
T- Your asian and filipino you love having fun but you know when to be serious.
T- You don't have your license, you want to get it before your birthday
T- You love candles and love painting your nails
T- You procrastinate with work but you always manage to finish
T- You spend about 75% of your time in your computer room
T- You take naps after school and stay up mostly all night doing work
T- Your favorite subject is science
T- You hate math
T- You said you wanted to go to UVA? I think
T- Your 16 years old
T- Is that good enough, because I can keep going on.
A- Well keep going on
T- Okay you've lived in the neighborhood that you live in since you were in 6th grade I think, you used to live in fairfax if I do remember
T- Your real name is bronte your full name is angela I think? or something like that
T- You have no pets, you don't want any children when your older because you hate them
T- The only reason you joined chorus or any activity when you were in middle school was so you could go on the trips
T- You hate singing
T- You want me to keep going on
A- Go for it
T- You hate snakes apparently (well mine at least)
T- You haven't had a relationship that has lasted more then a month except me. [[LIE]] and let's not forget to add in that we love eachother
T- I know a lot about you, why do you act like I don't
T- And I bet your surprised I know so much...
A- All these things could be found on an about me. I feel like nothing you said shows that you really know who i am on the inside. You could be describing an entirely different person and it would still fit the bill
T- Wtf are you serious?
T- Okay smart ass who am I then? You know what I'm done. Your so conceided
T- Unless you have a goddamn twin its not the same. You have to find something wrong with everything. If its going good, its not good enough for you.
A- Think about it. Do you know anything more than what I have explicitly told you? That's the thing, I don't know anything about you. I'm sad to say it
T- You don't even know the things about me that I told you lol what was I thinking you don't love me
A- We barely talked. The only things I know about you are the things you did. Its really disappointing but all i seem to know is that you could be something amazing but you're ready to throw down the towel.

End: Saturday Jan 31, 2009 1:22 AM

A minute later, he calls me. He starts to raise his voice, so I do the same, so he'll listen to me. He then yells at me to Shut the fuck up, so I reply with a, Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Yelling yelling, then he calms down once he realizes that yelling isn't accomplishing anything. He tries to pin some shit on me, how he keeps trying to get me out of the house so we can be together. I tell him that I'm not about to sneak out or disrespect my parents for anybody. Blah blah he's losing the fight. Then I tell him how he put me on hold and he would never make an effort to really call me, just text whenever it was convenient. He couldn't really say anything to that. A couple minutes pass, and finally he says "You're right. You're right about everything. I did ignore you and take advantage of you." He was trying to sweet talk me again. He apologized for what he said earlier, that it was disrespectful and rude and that I didn't deserve it. He said I didn't deserve this and that he was being a dick. He asked where we stood, and I said that we were not on the same level and we weren't really ever going to be. I'm disappointed that I never made it clear that we were completely over. That there was no chance of anything at this point. After awhile, he said he wasn't feeling well and he asked me to call him in the morning and that he would pick up the phone. I said no, why don't YOU call ME when you want to talk. He said okay. He sounded very sad and beat down. A couple times early on, he sounded like he was crying. Sniffling at the very least. Anyway that was that. He said he would never text me again. He said he didn't mean it in a bad way, he just wouldn't use text message anymore. We hung up. I never asked him about TD. I decided to wait, to talk to some people first, see if they knew anything.

Texted J if he knew of T hanging out with any female T's. He says no. I decide to tackle that later. Anyway, I get home at 8AM and conk out until 1PM. I'm asleep on and off, until 2:25PM when Taylor calls. I pick up. No answer. Hang up. Whatever. Texting people. 2 friends who work at panera say they saw T at panera getting buddy buddy with some fake blonde. He was sitting on her lap and he looked like he just woke up. Suspicious much. I come to the conclusion later, way later, that it wasn't his sister since J said T's sister, Kristen, had a sleepover herself and hung out with her friends the whole day. Couple hours pass. T calls again. No answer. Hang up. Then finally, D and Ash are over and I'm busy with pasta and my phone rings. Ash picks up and tells T i'm doing something but I'll be done in a second. Anyway when I finish, I call him back. T's friend, Beau, picks up and says they just came back from the gym and that he was gonna get Taylor. I wait, and someone answers. It's still Beau and he kind of talks to me as if I'm beneath him. Finally I get to talk to T. He's talking to me like I'm his bitch. He had an asshole tone. He said he talked to J last night, (J and Drew slept over) and I waited for him to follow up with something but he didn't. He then says, "Personal question... Would it be gay if me and Beau went tanning?" That was confusing. Anyway he says he's got to do something and that he'd call me back in 2 minutes. LIE. Whatever. More time passes. He texts me later, saying "Call me when you're not with your friends." Even though D and Ash are still here, I call him. He sounds surprised. I can hear him talking to Beau, and I say, are you with your friends? He says yes, so I just say, well call me back whenever you're free. I never expected him to do anything so that was the last time I talked to him. J called me tonight and asked if I had talked to T yet. I say that he never called me back and that it was whatever. J sighs. He's caught between the two of us. TD comes up. Apparently they're both at Beau's party together. Anywho, I ask him how he feels about TD and T. He says that T told him that they were just friends, but honestly, he thinks they're boning in the butt. Whatever. I get on facebook after getting off the phone with him. I decide to contact her via fb. This is the conversation:



TD
Today at 10:18pm
heyy sorry but my fb chat it retarded. what did u wanna ask?

Me
Today at 10:19pm
Are you with taylor waldron? If you are, I won;t be mad at you. I just want to know if you're involved with him.

TD
Today at 10:20pm
no wer not "with" each other. but yeah wer talking nd hanging out.

TD
Today at 10:25pm
y?

Me
Today at 10:27pm
Because I heard some rumors and I just wanted to find out what was really up.

TD
Today at 10:29pm
rumors?? what r u talking about? lik nothing bad is happening so idk y there would b rumors. who said what?

Me
Today at 10:31pm
I'm not going to mention names but I just heard some ambiguous stuff going around that you guys may have been more than friends while I was still dating with him

Me
Today at 10:32pm
I'm really not going to be mad at you if it was true, i just want to know

TD
Today at 10:34pm
honestly we werent. lik wer friends. so he came to me when u both broke up nd i talked him through some stuff. i mean nothing happened when u both wer dating, we didnt kiss or nything if thats what ur thinking. taylor was honest nd loyal to you, he really was. nd i would never do that with someone if i knew they had a gf.

Me
Today at 10:35pm
When did he tell you we broke up?

TD
Today at 10:36pm
the night it happened.

Me
Today at 10:36pm
Like when exactly?

TD
Today at 10:38pm
umm idk lik last weekend or sumthing. i dnt remember we talked on the phone. y whats wrong?

Me
Today at 10:39pm
We were on a "break" since last week and I basically broke up with him this past friday night.

TD
Today at 10:41pm
o well i didnt kno that. nd idk if he did or not. he didnt tell me...the only thing he said bout friday night is that you both talked nd it didnt end well or sumthing.

Me
Today at 10:44pm
Okay thanks for being honest

TD
Today at 10:46pm
yeah so hold on u guys were dating as of last week?

Me
Today at 10:48pm
Pretty much, we were on a "break" but technically still "dating"

TD
Today at 10:48pm
but did he kno that? cuz what he told me was that you all broke up.

Me
Today at 10:53pm
Yes he knew, we were in the gray area but we weren't done yet. I tried to put us on a break for a little bit, and he didn't want to so we weren't, if you get what I'm saying. Then he wanted to go on break this past Tuesday, so I said fine, but he still tried to act as if we were still together and wanted to do "couple-y" things.

TD
Today at 10:55pm
o. well did you guys do "couple-y" things??

Me
Today at 10:56pm
We still like, kissed and whatever. I couldn't get out since I was, and still am, grounded. I don't know what he told you exactly but we were still "together" until friday night.

TD
Today at 10:59pm
hold on, srry im jus trying to get everything straight. but what do u mean by kissed and "whatever"?? what do u mean by whatever? did u all makeout nd more?

Me
Today at 11:02pm
We acted like a couple

TD
Today at 11:03pm
o okay.

Me
Today at 11:13pm
Yeah I don't what he told you exactly about what happened but that's the straight up truth. Thanks for talking to me, I really do appreciate this


Long story short, I think she was starting to question the things he told her. I'm really not mad at her at all. She was being played. He never told me that he was hanging out with her at any point. I'm really fighting back the urge to call him or text him. I swear I'm a maso, I love to keep in contact with people who hurt me. Anyway, what's done is done. I am never speaking to him again. I'm going to pawn his bracelet, try to make some money to compensate for the wallet I got him. Thing is, I'm not even really mad. Pissed, but not mad. Before I was thinking of ways to get back at him, things to do and say that wouldn't be so bad that I'd get arrested, but enough that he'd be embarrassed. But now, I'm really over it. I think it was because there wasn't anything substantial there, just physical nonsense. Class with him will be fun. Like I'm really looking forward to it. If my female history teacher, TCP, asks me about what's happening, I'll just tell her straight up that he played me like a fool. I am not stupid, but I'm not ridiculous. I'm not going to get angry in class and I'm NOT going to make a scene at school. Maybe after school in the parking lot, but I don't think it'll happen. First of all, I think people would stop me first, and secondly, it doesn't matter all that much to me. I should be angry that he had a girl on the side that I had no idea about. I should be angry that everything he said were lies. I should be angry that I'm $100 poorer because of him. But I'm not. The best, and worst, way to learn a lesson is by living, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Well... everyday is a new day. If I see him, I don't know what I'll do, or what I'll say. I don't know if I'll even bother. I guess it depends on how I feel when I see him. Angry, sad, betrayed, hurt, confused, malicious. The pain of being hurt by somebody you really and genuinely loved and cared for is somewhere off in the far distance. I can feel it but barely. I hope this doesn't make me crazy.