if i fall into the drink, i will say your name before i sink

this week has been so rough for everyone. not just including the passing of alyssa beach, but everyone's relationship problems with people and the conflict going on in the middle east and just everything. i don't know alyssa and i never had the pleasure of meeting her, but i was talking to evelyn about it, and i just started crying. it's so tragic, not just for her, but for everyone she was connected with. i think it's worse for her family and friends than it is for her because they're the ones who have to deal with her absence. at least she can prepare for our welcome party when it is our time to be with her again.
i'm scared, like to an unbelievable amount, for taylor. he hasn't really been "there" since sunday when he went to the hospital. he hasn't been himself and i'm afraid i might lose him. the way he says "i love you", it's as if he's saying it for the last time. just everything that's happened to him was enough, but to add this to the mix... i'm afraid he'll do something drastic. i want to call him. i haven't talked to him since saturday evening, but i know he doesn't want to talk. he's not coming to school tomorrow or thursday because he's going to alyssa's viewing and funeral. i guess i will leave him a message. i want to help him but i don't know how. is there even anything suitable to say anymore?
there was an 8th grader who died over winter break because of a skiing accident. 8th grade. it's like no one can really be unconditionally happy. because something is always going to happen. something terrible to make you lose hope in humanity and the goodness of god, if you believe in one, and really just the goodness of the world. the worst things happen to the best of people. i guess this is all just a big test, to just give us the subtle strength to be someone better and to do something great to make the people who have passed proud. give them a reason to throw a smile down at our distant and hurtful world. because without suffering and pain, we would not be able to experience just how great the good times are.

...

what are you supposed to say when somebody dies? is there anything you can really say? will it be enough?
i was angry yesterday but now it just seems so petty and i'm sorry that i was.

i wish he would just be put on probation already. i don't know what he does late at night, especially on weekends and during breaks, but it's not anything good. i don't trust him when he's with his friends. thats just fact. like last night i called him at 9 30, and he must have been driving because i could hear car noises, and it was like 5 people were in his car and everybody was yelling, and after 30 seconds, he said he'd call me back later. i knew he wouldn't. i knew he would text me at like 2 am, asking if i was still awake. and i was right.
the amount of freedom he has is dangerous and nobody is trying to stop him. i would like to believe that he hasn't done anything that he would regret yet, but considering the current path he is on right now, i'm not sure if i can still bring myself to believe it. it makes me want to cry, how he's so.... damaged and hurt and depressed but he doesn't really want to deal with it. he doesn't want to talk about it. his parents don't care what he does anymore, i'm pretty sure they're getting to the point where they don't care period.
i'm getting to the point where i'm depressed from being so tired. and because its january. this month has never been good to me

i don't tease you about being an asshole

Saw Garden State for the first time just now. Yes i realize that its 4AM and I haven't slept a wink since 4PM when I took a mini-nap. Not the point. It was such a good movie. Hearing New Slang by the Shins gave me chills, the kind of chills you get when you make contact with that one person who just makes you feel like you could shit gold bricks. It was like that. I don't know exactly what it was about the movie that makes me like it so much but I'm glad it does. It makes me... calm. Like nothing really matters except being happy and not caring about anything else. It's not selfish and it's not obnoxious, it's just being happy. Not extremely happy where you're giddy as fuck, just kind of calm. Pleasant. Like you're in neutral mode and it's okay that the engine is running and you're burning through gas because right then, it doesn't matter. (holy fuck do i sound like a douchebag indie hipster asshole). I think the reason I like this movie so much is because it makes me feel the way I felt today, or rather yesterday, when Taylor kissed me and he had a kind of nervous worried half-smile because he didn't know how his future was going to turn out but he knew he loved me and he knew that I loved him. You'll know what I mean when it happens; it's like there's a gentle electric current between your lips and there's, and it leaves a pleasant tingling sensation that migrates to your stomach and makes you kind of shake or tremor. I don't know. Passion Pit's Sleepyhead (Elijah's Beat Generation Remix) reminds me of a summer sunrise, one of the first that you see when you're still on a school schedule and you happen to wake up at 6AM and you hate everything because it's the summer and you wonder why the fuck you're awake, until you see the sunrise. Then while the sun slowly climbs up above the horizon, you decide that it's time to go back to sleep, but waking up at 6AM was worth it because the sky was a couple dozen colors and you always missed it because you rushed through your mornings the way you rushed to class.

I look forward to the day that Taylor decides to open up to me and really tell me about his colorful past. I'm a little afraid, well a lot afraid, of what he might say, but I weighed the worst options and I, for the most part, would still be by his side. I guess I wouldn't want to know everything, but an outline with a few details would be nice. He says he's afraid that I will think he's crazy and that I would never want to talk to him again if I knew the things he did, but can things ever really be as bad as people think? I know they are some serious exceptions to this, but for the most part, things are exaggerated.

Could I sound like anymore of a motherfucking pseudo-deep, reflective, thoughtful asshole? Yes. But I really meant this post. So don't make fun of me please. :\

GOT EM

with



and



for a grand total of $136.93

FUCKIN BALLERRRRR

oh FUCK ME

I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING DUNKS

2009

HAPPY NEW YEARS BITCHES!!!!! I had a fuckin great time in SF, right near the end. Had some new experiences with the cuzzos, which I will go into after i review the shittiest year as of yet, 2008.

2008. sucked. my. left. nut. i had high hopes in the beginning, but it was just the beginning to a 6 month long heart break nonsense. it was ridiculous, but now i'm friends with the guy. i was always in trouble with my parents. i pretty much had no privacy but its not like i was going to contest it coz my parents paid for my phone and computer. i found out who my true best friends were..... again. i never slept. and shit i was so boy confused all the fucking time. then december came. what a fucking roller coaster. at least i've never been bored haha.

well 2009. Had my first REAL drink in cali with my cousins. Shots of henn chased by coke. i was sliiiiiiiightly buzzed, but not really. i had like 3 medium shots. then jan 1st, i went out with my cousins and smoked dat purp. i didn't really feel any different, but my eyes were bloodshot and i was tired and sleepy but laughed too loud at times. when i took my first hit, we passed by a street called High Street. shiiiiit. the bud was rolled in mango flavored blunt paper hahaha. well i'm done with all dat shit. gotta try it once you know, and i guess its good i kept it in the family at least.

hopefully later today i will go to the mall to meet up with some frannszz. and give taylor his 100 dollar wallet. shit he better like it or i will punch the motherfucker in the face. well maybe not, i like that face.

WOULD YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I BLEW THROUGH ALL 280 DOLLARS I GOT FOR XMAS?!?!!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!


lol me watching superbad while trippinn


sleepy drunk cousin


yellow ass motherfuckers


so gone on that henn


excited about his gas fade

WELL THAT IS ALL! i need an actual digital camera but as i have already said, i somehow HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY AT ALL