13 days

of school remains! then the grueling task of hunting for colleges, how to get in, how to pay, what to do, and all that jazz begins. i kind of want to cop out and go to some shit-for-brains liberal arts school like bard or bennington because SATs/ACTs aren't required, i don't need an above 4.0 GPA to get into some better-than-thou state uni or private college, but i will have to be an excessive amount to come to school dressed for hipster success while not really learning anything structured. i have to take at least 2 different SAT subject tests in order to be ever considered to UCSB or UCSD, and i have to retake the SAT at least once or perhaps twice more. if all else fails, i should have GMU or VCU to fall back on.

i'm pretty terrified that i won't be able to get into a college of my choice because i don't have a 4.2 GPA, an above 2000 on the SAT, i haven't taken SAT II's or the ACT, i'm not a particularly outstanding student although i think i'd be able to get some solid teacher recommendations. my extracurriculars are rather lacking in variety and depth; i'm in 3 specific honor societies (science, english, and french), i do debate part-time, scholastic bowl but we always lose, but i'm gonna join the offish NHS next year and model UN. but honestly all i'm concerned about right now is having enough money my senior year to go on a summer roadtrip of sorts to cali. i'm foolish about my future because i used to believe i'd be a perfect student: perfect grades, perfect scores, perfect personality. but i'm so horribly flawed that i don't think any college would want me, except for NVCC. bummer.

alas its pretty nice out so i think i'll finish the chapter of harry potter book 5 i'm on and take a walk in my new newbie 578s

I LOVE THIS CEREAL!!!

i'm gettting really tired

i really want a softcover moleskine notebook


I'm getting exhausted. i want to cry. my spirits are tanking while my blood pressure is rising. i don't even know what i'm doing anymore or why i feel the way i feel. i'm tired of all the petty drama going around, and my seemingly endless patience. i don't know why i'm putting up with things the way i am. i'm getting scared that if i continue this... i'll put up with stupid bull shit when i'm older, when it comes to friendships and relationships. i want to be able to back my word up but i don't think i'll have the strength to.

there is something in my heart that is eating away at me.. but i have no idea what it is.